Jenn's Dating Advice for December 9th, 2010 12/09/2010
Seeing as though everyone loves to read about my miserable dating life; I figured why not help all of you out with your own relationship conundrums? Hell, I have had most of the issues anyways, so by now I guess I can consider myself an “expert.” Kind of like Dr. Phil, but with no irritating southern accent, all of my hair, and a vagina. So, send me your questions, or write in to our email with some ideas that you would like me to cover with my severely less-than-educated advice. Let’s make this a team effort. Plus, I think we can all agree that it’s only fair to make this double sided; you’ve gotten to hear about my horrendous dating stories, so now I want to hear yours! Email Jenn: istruggle@ridethestrigglebus.com Don't forget to comment! It makes me feel like I have a lot more friends. Jenn, My boyfriend likes to take me out to nice restaurants, concerts, and anything else that costs money, here in Tampa. It is a lot of fun to do, but he has a habit of reminding me of how much money it cost him, and he holds these things over my head as if I owe him something. I have tried to pay several times, but he acts like my money is no good to him. We always have to do things that he wants to do. If we aren’t going out to dinner with his lame friends, I am forced to watch him and his lame friends play video games- FOR HOURS! What should I do? Anonymous in Tampa Jenn B.: Well, “Anonymous”- I do know who you are, and have a few ideas for you: #1- You are hot. Ask him if his left hand was as appreciative when he took it out to dinner and concerts? I doubt it looks as good in booty shorts, but I am sure it puts up with more of his shit than you will. Tell him to shut up, or his left hand will be his “+ 1” at the next wedding he is invited to. #2-I could say something simple like- “Break up with him.” But, that wouldn’t be characteristic of the way I like to do things. What you do is; find someone with a lot more money to take you out and do better/ bigger things. Your boyfriend takes you out to Outback Steak house? Have the new guy take you to Ruth’s Chris Steak house. Boyfriend takes you to a lame Jingle Ball Concert in Tampa? New guy flies you to Vegas for front row seats to a show. I don’t give a shit who you are, but Celine Dion belting out the Canadian National anthem, 7 feet away from you, beats any crap that Jason Derulo has spewed onto the airwaves. Your man will be “Ridin’ Solo” in no time! #3-So he likes to remind you of how much things cost? Try reminding him of how many precious moments of single life “fun time” that he has cost you while dragging you around town to Applebee’s and Nickelback concerts (this fact alone should be enough reason to wish harm upon someone). Ungrateful bastard. Next time he holds all these awesome activities above your head, make sure you remind him that whenever you walk through a bar; you are proposed to no less than 4 times; you never purchase a drink for yourself (and no one is waiting for you to pay back the $4.50); and you are always hosting mental interviews for his replacement. #4-I think I have made everyone well aware of my opinion on men who play video games. The fact that he thinks it is a romantic bonding experience for you to be there watching him toggle a controller, makes me realize that he is just an inconsiderate moron. After he puts you through a night like that, and then tries to ask for sex- see how he likes it when you respond with “why don’t you toggle your buddy’s controller and he can toss a Halo all over your World of Warcraft.” He should probably reconsider his ways, because unlike his left hand- you don’t have to stick around. My advice to you in the meantime is to find someone else- unless you are content with a life full of Applebee’s Riblet baskets, World of Warcraft, and Nickelback. 1 Comment Jenn's Dating Advice for November 10th, 2010 11/10/2010
Seeing as though everyone loves to read about my miserable dating life; I figured why not help all of you out with your own relationship conundrums? Hell, I have had most of the issues anyways, so by now I guess I can consider myself an “expert.” Kind of like Dr. Phil, but with no irritating southern accent, all of my hair, and a vagina. So, send me your questions, or write in to our email with some ideas that you would like me to cover with my severely less-than-educated advice. Let’s make this a team effort. Plus, I think we can all agree that it’s only fair to make this double sided; you’ve gotten to hear about my horrendous dating stories, so now I want to hear yours! Email Jenn: istruggle@ridethestrigglebus.com Don't forget to comment! It makes me feel like I have a lot more friends. Jenn's Dating Advice: How Do I Get Her to Tone Down the Crazy? My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 or 3 months, I can’t remember. We do a lot of things together, and we usually have a lot of fun. The only things that bother me are: 1) She is always trying to kiss me and touch me in public. 2) She gets mad if I pay too much attention to another girl, even if it is one of my close friends. 3) She gets really pissy if I “drink too much.” The one thing that is really hard to deal with is how much she pushes the “in a relationship” shit on Facebook- I avoid clicking “accept” at all costs. She is really hot, and likes to cook for me, so I really don’t want to give up yet. How do I get her to tone down the crazy? Anthony- South Tampa Jenn B.: Wow, Anthony, it sounds like the only thing that you can agree on doing with your girlfriend is eating her food, and getting her naked. That’s a formula for a lasting relationship. Congratulations. The main issues for you in your relationship can be broken down to one main concept: Your girlfriend wants to claim you. She is doing everything short of lifting her stiletto and peeing on you. Think about it- She doesn’t want you drinking too much, because when you’re drunk, you have no inhibitions, then you’re probably like all other men, and you think with the 15 year old that resides behind your zipper. This drinking can lead to speaking to another female; which to us means you are sizing her up for your next coital session (woman are this crazy, yes, we are). When she kisses you and touches you in public, what are we talking here? Are we talking HJs in the corner and tongue bathing your face, or just an innocent hand hold and a peck on the cheek? If it’s the first one, you should probably enjoy it, and stop being such a crybaby, but the second option can be a subtle, yet clear sign of her attempting to claim her territory; your magic stick. As for Facebook, one easy way to avoid having to claim that you’re in a relationship; do what my friend’s boyfriend did and just delete your account all together. This seemed to be a good way for him to avoid ever having to admit that he has a girlfriend. But, I wouldn’t advise this last part unless you really want to look like you’re creepin’. I guess my advice to you is just to accept it. Accept that women (yes, all of us) are a little crazy. Some of us will put you through massive amounts of PDA in public settings, and others will poke holes in the condom to make sure you’re theirs FOREVERRRR (or at least for the next 18 years). There is no “grass is greener” shit here. You have a hot girlfriend; she feeds your lazy ass, and possibly gives you tuggers in public. Jackpot, buddy, jackpot. Jenn's Dating Advice for November 3rd, 2010 11/03/2010
Seeing as though everyone loves to read about my miserable dating life; I figured why not help all of you out with your own relationship conundrums? Hell, I have had most of the issues anyways, so by now I guess I can consider myself an “expert.” Kind of like Dr. Phil, but with no irritating southern accent, all of my hair, and a vagina. So, send me your questions, or write in to our email with some ideas that you would like me to cover with my severely less-than-educated advice. Let’s make this a team effort. Plus, I think we can all agree that it’s only fair to make this double sided; you’ve gotten to hear about my horrendous dating stories, so now I want to hear yours! Email Jenn: istruggle@ridethestrigglebus.com Don't forget to comment! It makes me feel like I have a lot more friends. Jenn's Dating Advice: My Best Friend's Guy Treats Her Like Shit Jenn- My best friend is really cute and dating a guy who treats her like shit. She cooks him dinner, cleans it all up, rubs his back, gets him a beer, etc. He acts like all of this is her duty. On top of all of this, he has a nasty mouth and verbally assaults her often. His guy friends all know he is out creeping every Friday night and they never say a word. She gets really upset because he goes out all the time without her. My friend is only 20 and doesn’t know any better. How do I get rid of him? -Anonymous Dear “I’m too scared to provide my own name because my best friend reads this and will probably recognize me,” I have seen this situation several times. Except, it was me who was in the situation, and the roles were reversed. I would make guys cook me dinner, clean up, rub my back, and get me a glass of Jameson; all while I was creepin’ on my phone, setting up other options for the week. Damn, I was/am a bad person. So, your friend is a young/dumb/naïve 20 year old? I am assuming the guy is an older guy, so she is enamored with the idea of dating a much more mature, established guy? If this is the case, then she should understand that she is in a whole new league. She is dating a guy who can go to bars, legally drink, and constantly has a swarm of drunk/easy/non-jail bait women around him. All the while, miss 20 year old is sitting at home, watching Nickelodeon, checking her phone constantly for the possibility of receiving a text message from said boyfriend. That is, if he strikes out at the bar and has to actually settle for her at 2:30am. Tell her to stop cooking him dinner, deny him of any physical contact, and to turn it around and start verbally assaulting him. It is her fault in the first place if a guy is treating her this way on a constant basis. After the first time it happened, she should have been smart enough to see it for what it is. If all that fails, she should go after his best friend or a close relative. Then, I would respect her. I am sure this didn’t help, but your friend is kinda dumb and weak. She needs to sack up, or she will end up the type of wife sitting home at 3 am alone, saying to herself, “Yea, he is just working late.” Meanwhile, good ol’ Hubby is out blowing his/her 401k on strippers. Good luck! Jenn's Dating Advice: His Family Sucks 10/27/2010
Seeing as though everyone loves to read about my miserable dating life; I figured why not help all of you out with your own relationship conundrums? Hell, I have had most of the issues anyways, so by now I guess I can consider myself an “expert.” Kind of like Dr. Phil, but with no irritating southern accent, all of my hair, and a vagina. So, send me your questions, or write in to our email with some ideas that you would like me to cover with my severely less-than-educated advice. Let’s make this a team effort. Plus, I think we can all agree that it’s only fair to make this double sided; you’ve gotten to hear about my horrendous dating stories, so now I want to hear yours! Email Jenn: istruggle@ridethestrigglebus.com Don't forget to comment! It makes me feel like I have a lot more friends. Jenn's Dating Advice: His Family Sucks Today’s question is from Renee in Tampa: Jenn, I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and everything is great- except for one thing. His family sucks. I can’t stand them. His mother is overbearing, and his dad is kind of creepy. His brother locks himself in his room and plays video games (he is 27 and lives at home), and both of his sisters are total bitches. Would you marry a guy if you knew this was what you were getting into? Renee- Thanks for the question. I am sure a lot of people run into things like this. Well, at least the people who actually make it through a year of dating someone with a crazy family to even entertain the idea of marriage. Kudos to you for that accomplishment, I think? So, basically, it sounds like you have a whole bag of issues with this family. Mommy still wants to change your boyfriend’s diapers; Daddy likes when you wear tight pants to family dinners; brother has an intimate relationship with a Japanimation cartoon woman; and the sisters have nothing better to do with their time than to be nasty little hags. Yeah…good luck with that. My answer: NO. Not even a glimmer of a chance with this one. You are not even married and you’re already miserable. Can you imagine adding children to that equation? The overbearing mother will be at your house ALL THE TIME. Dad will still be creepin’ somewhere. And, you KNOW you can’t let that mongoloid brother near any children. Not to mention; people are products of their environment (i.e. - Boyfriend grew up in an overbearing/creepy/weird/moody household; Boyfriend will end up overbearing/creepy/weird/moody). I know that all the guys who get to marry me will completely luck out. My family is hysterical. Everyone’s family has their “crazy”, but mine is probably certifiable (in a good way.) Depending on which side of my family we are referring to, they can expect to experience many things. If you attend a family dinner on my dad’s side, prepare yourself for WWIII. This is my Sicilian/Polish side. Everyone just yells at each other, mainly because we all talk loud, and we are trying to speak over the next person. Someone is usually arguing, and my grandmother likes grilling me about when I am “going to find a nice boy to settle down with?” I explain to Grandma that “I am not quite finished torturing the male population, and it wouldn’t be fair to just settle on one at the moment.” My mother’s side of the family, I am convinced, is the reason I have such a crazy, cynical outlook on life. They inspire me, in some ways, to be the horrible person that I am. Again, in a good way. They encourage my sense of humor, and my ability to completely embarrass myself and anybody around me. None of them push the idea of marriage on me, and they refer to my boyfriends as, “Now, which one is this again?” Sorry, I got off on a tangent there about myself for a minute. I’m narcissistic and I like to talk about things that pertain to me and my life. Bottom line; dump him and find someone new. You can borrow my “Little Black Book.” I make notes on all my relationships for future reference, and one of the columns is “Family Situation.” There are probably a few in there that you can work with. Seeing as though everyone loves to read about my miserable dating life; I figured why not help all of you out with your own relationship conundrums? Hell, I have had most of the issues anyways, so by now I guess I can consider myself an “expert.” Kind of like Dr. Phil, but with no irritating southern accent, all of my hair, and a vagina. So, send me your questions, or write in to our email with some ideas that you would like me to cover with my severely less-than-educated advice. Let’s make this a team effort. Plus, I think we can all agree that it’s only fair to make this double sided; you’ve gotten to hear about my horrendous dating stories, so now I want to hear yours! Email Jenn: istruggle@ridethestrigglebus.com Don't forget to comment! It makes me feel like I have a lot more friends. Jenn's Dating Advice: She Went Through My Phone! This week’s question comes from Bryan in Tampa- Jenn- First of all, will you marry me? Second of all, this girl that I have been seeing for a few weeks went through my phone the other night. She found some texts to another girl that I used to hook up with. I don’t even see this other girl anymore, but the texts were far from G-rated, and my current “situation” was real pissed off. What can I say- I get bored at work! I guess my question is: Do you think it’s ok to go through someone’s phone if you’re dating, and how should I fix this? Bryan, I am flattered by the marriage proposal. Please send me an updated resume, financial credentials, current photo, height/weight/shoe size, and a general idea of the size of the engagement ring; then maybe we can talk. Back to business! So she went through your phone, huh? And, you have only been dating for a few weeks? I can see this ending well. She definitely doesn’t have any insecurity issues. The root of the problem here is that she doesn’t trust you. If you were actually in a committed relationship (longer than a few weeks) while these minor indiscretions occurred, THEN she could be irritated. In my line of work, if she doesn’t hold the title “girlfriend”, then she can be any number of other things; F*&% Buddy, Slam Pig, Slump Buster, or “it’s 3am, I guess you’ll do”. None of whom are entitled to rummaging through your personal things (i.e. phone, little black book, email, laptop, Spank Bank, or sex toy drawer). Have I gone through a guy’s phone? You bet your sweet ass I have- several, actually. Did I find things that I didn’t want to see? Of course I did. Was I surprised? No. I was looking through their phone because I already had an idea that they were doing something they shouldn’t be. Keep in mind; they were all guys I was in a relationship with, and not just casually dating. The good thing about the guy that I am dating now; his phone is prehistoric, and he doesn’t even know how to text. So, I don’t have to worry about him sexting anyone else, because I trust him, and I think he is a little scared of me. To answer the 2nd part of your question; how do you fix it? You don’t. You get rid of her. If she is that much of a jealous, privacy-invading, whiny bitch already, and you’re not even exclusively dating- can you imagine what she would be like as a girlfriend/fiancé/wife? She would put a tracking device on your car/phone, demand passwords to all of your emails, and even show up to restaurants when you’re on dates with the many women you cheat on her with. It does not look promising for you, pal. Just an FYI- the iPhone, BlackBerry, and most other new age phones have “locking” capabilities. I suggest you go ahead and utilize that feature if you’re going to be a creeper. Yes, I have an iPhone. Yes, it is locked at all times. Oh, and Bryan- Go ahead and send your dating resume to me at istruggle@ridethestrugglebus.com. Pictures of the engagement ring should speed up the interview process. Seeing as though everyone loves to read about my miserable dating life; I figured why not help all of you out with your own relationship conundrums? Hell, I have had most of the issues anyways, so by now I guess I can consider myself an “expert.” Kind of like Dr. Phil, but with no irritating southern accent, all of my hair, and a vagina. So, send me your questions, or write in to our email with some ideas that you would like me to cover with my severely less-than-educated advice. Let’s make this a team effort. Plus, I think we can all agree that it’s only fair to make this double sided; you’ve gotten to hear about my horrendous dating stories, so now I want to hear yours! Email Jenn: istruggle@ridethestrigglebus.com Don't forget to comment! It makes me feel like I have a lot more friends. Jenn's Dating Advice: He Isn't the Best I've Ever Had! Today’s dating question comes from Ericka in Tampa. She writes: Jenn, let's just say that my boyfriend "isn't the best I've ever had". OK, he sucks in bed. But I really like him. Can he be coached? Jenn B.: Ericka- I knew it would only be a matter of time before I got a juicy lil' question like this one! (Thanks, by the way!) My answer will just be another reason for my dad to regret procreating. Here we go... So, I am going to address this question assuming your boyfriend is between the ages of "my balls just dropped" and "where is that blue pill?" If this is the case, there is help for him! Men are like puppies. You have to give them clear and concise commands, reward them when they do a good job, and beat the hell out of them when they poop on your carpet. Well, I don't think your boyfriend poops on the carpet, but believe you me- if mine did, I would definitely beat the daylights out of him. Anyways... you don't have to draw on a blackboard with pictures and Venn Diagrams, but just drop subtle hints like "Hey moron, slow it down." or my personal favorite "Poke me there again, and I cut it off." You get the idea. Also, Ericka- if you expect him to be good in bed, make sure you are contributing as well. As much as I like to believe that men love my signature move, "The Starfish," it has been brought to my attention that, on occasion, they like some confirmation that you are still awake/alive. So, gyrate those hips a few times, let out a few sounds, and they will feel like they are doing a good job and that you're kind of enjoying it. Hope this helped! Team Struggle vs. College Education 10/08/2010
Team Struggle vs. College Education! Jenn B.: The other day, I was sitting in my personal “office” at work, blankly staring at my computer screen when I had an epiphany. Ok, so two things are wrong with that statement. I don’t have an office, but I like to refer to my cubicle as one so that I can feel more important when speaking to people who are obviously higher up in the social caste system. The second thing is the epiphany- I don’t think I had one of those, but I definitely had a realization that many people my age have had or will have eventually. When it comes to the corporate world, I am a complete waste of space. Yes, a worthless sack of human excrement. If you’re reading this, and you’re about my age, you may be in the same predicament that I find myself in. You wake up at the same time every day, Monday-Friday, put on your big people clothes, and arrive at a job that you most likely would choose chewing gravel over attending. You probably agreed to the job position solely based on the fact that you were told that “there is so much money to be made,” or “there is a lot of growth potential with your go-getter attitude.” Well, now you’re a little pissed off because you’re not making shit for money, and the only place your go-getter attitude has landed you is the never ending labyrinth of miserable cubicle mongers. This is the only time in my life where I may admit to ever being jealous of Eric Prae. He was once a part of the corporate land of misery, but decided to take the leap and make a change. Now he is irritatingly happy, finds it completely acceptable to be drunk at 11am on a Tuesday, and somehow still manages to make ends meet. Eric is in no way jobless, he actually works very hard. But he somehow found a way to work hard doing jobs he wants to do (coaching, writing, stand up, etc). I still wonder if he strips, or gives happy endings for cash. Either way, he has a smirk on his face when I come home whining about my long day at work, probably because the only damper to his day was the fact that Tux the Puppy ate his favorite lip balm, or that he didn’t get enough sun block on his pasty white ass while writing at the beach last weekend. One thing that my favorite red-head and I have in common: we both have great college degrees that are about as useful as the pull out method. Our whole lives, we played a sport that we were very good at; Eric played football, and I played golf (I’d appreciate if you kept the butch jokes to a minimum). We were well known around the city we grew up in for those respective sports, and we each ended up with some sort of scholarship because of our athletic inclinations. I obtained my B.S. in Physical Education, and Eric has a B.S. in Corporate Finance, or as I refer to them as “Bullshit Degrees in Career Fields You Will Never be Affiliated With, Past The Day You Sport Your Cap & Gown.” They have also been known as a B.S. in “Hey Dad, you dumped half your retirement fund into my bank account on a weekly basis, just so I could afford to help pay the electric bill at the liquor store.” At least if I was going to waste years of my life and thousands of dollars in trade for a piece of paper, I did treat college as a social buffet line. I went to college to become a Physical Education Teacher, and again, I would appreciate you keeping the lesbian comments to a minimum. I’m sure you’re adding all of this up in your head: played golf, gym teacher, and throw in the fact that I drove an SUV? Yea, all I needed was a set of Yosemite Sam mud-flaps on that thing and I was a shoe-in to be the president of GLAAD. For the record, I am in no way against lesbians; lesbians prefer innies, while I prefer outies. No big deal. I chose Phys Ed because I liked kickball so much as a kid, and sweatpants were already a staple in my wardrobe. This career path seemed like a no-brainer. I neglected to think about how I, the Queen of No-Filter-Land, would be responsible for shaping the minds of the Nation’s Youth. I also neglected to realize that no human being with responsibilities, or a need to eat on a regular basis, can survive on a salary of $27,000 per year. I would have inevitably become a hooker. After school hours, of course, but I still think administration would have looked down upon that. I was up shit’s creek without a paddle, with that degree. To this day, I can’t believe I was actually awarded a degree that declared I was ok to teach children. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, but I am in no way in the right mindset to teach them the difference between right and wrong, or not to punch someone in the face who calls your mom fat. To me, that is a logical solution to any problem. I guess my point is that; unless it is in a highly specialized area like Orthopedics, a college degree doesn’t do much for most. What does it do? It adds to the never ending stack of bills piling up on your coffee table, under all the beer cans and Popsicle wrappers. If you feel that your college degree was a waste of time, like the great Michael Jackson once preached, “You are not alone.” *** Eric Prae: I have a really cool degree in corporate finance. After college I was lucky enough to get a great job with a solid corporation, doing something corporate finace-ish because my daddy was a vice-president there. At the age of 22, I was making money, owning crap and making decisions. I was living what most people call “the American Dream”. The real difference between Jenn and me: acceptance. I have accepted that I won’t ever play for the Lakers. I have accepted that I won’t ever have a 9 inch penis. I have accepted that my college degree is an $80,000 constant reminder that I once traded five years of my life for a piece of paper that I can’t afford to frame. Deep down I am a deaf beach bum that would rather spend money on another tattoo than eat in a fancy restaurant. I’ve come to terms with it. I’d rather eat canned fruit and drink beer between beach volleyball games than be promised a promotion. I can stand on a stage in front of a few hundred people, spot light in my eyes, telling jokes for as long as the club will stay open; but cold calling the suburbs embarrasses the crap out of me. The business world just seemed to me like a lot of tall white people selling shit to other white people that they didn’t really need. Over and over again, I found myself working for more money so I could buy the next trinket and keep up with the Joneses. Then I needed money to pay for the insurance on that trinket. Then I needed money to feed that trinket with fuel. Then I would realize that there weren’t enough hours in the day after working to afford the trinket, to actually enjoy the trinket. So fuck it. You were better off doing something stupid… You think that’s bad advice? I could give you examples of people like Bill Gates. He is the richest man in America and he dropped out of college. But, people like Bill are really smart, and also really boring to write about. I am going to make the assumption that Bill would have been successful even with a college degree. I could show you the Forbes Top 10 Richest Americans list, which is just full of old white people who started Wal-Mart, Bloomberg and Oracle (1). I could reference a lot of professional athletes that never graduated, but they are extremely gifted. This is a comedy website, let’s have some fun. I give to you: Top 5 Struggle Bus Celebrities That Are Way Richer Than You Will Ever Be, While Also Being Way Dumber Than You!!!!! I’m not ranking them in any order of money or stupidity, because I don’t give a shit about order. Just know that everyone on this list will make you feel really bad about having a college degree. #1 Mike “the Situation”- from MTV’s Jersey Shore: Really this spot could go to anyone on the Jersey Shore, but we are going to use the Situation because he has turned himself into a millionaire. I can’t find any information about one day this moron spent in a college classroom, yet he is reporting personal earnings of $10 Million this year (2). You laughed at him on MTV? This midget hit the gym, gave himself an alter ego, acted like a total d-bag, and is worth millions. You paid for a college education. Who’s laughing now? By the time season 5 of Jersey Shore comes out, Mike will be able to own his own college. That’s probably the only way he could get a degree. He makes more in two episodes of Jersey Shore than Jenn and I made combined last year. Mike Sorrentino- 1; you and your college degree- 0. #2 Kim Kardashian- from every magazine you have ever seen on the grocery store shelf: Again, we could use any Kardashian here, but I like to research Kim the most because I have “studied” her sex tape 32 times. Did Kim attend college? Here is what I found on the internet: “Kim Kardashian attended Santa Monica city college at least for a few classes...I sat next to her in a summer school class in 1999 or 2000” (3). If that doesn’t want to make you beat your old biology professor with the $200 book he made you buy, then nothing does. What are Kim’s talents? Ummmmm, pretty much what she did on her sex tape. Her website says she has “entrepreneurial business skills.” I am about to take my college degree, hug it to my chest, and jump of my apartment building. #3 Wishbone- the Dog: Wishbone the Dog has his own television series. He is a fucking dog. He has won four Emmy Awards and never took one college class. Just by being a human, you are smarter than him, yet much, much poorer. If you politely put your college degree on the floor, Wishbone will shit on it for you. #4 Paris Hilton- hotel heiress, cocaine trafficker, and all around waste of air: Paris Hilton has a GED. I am officially nominating her as the least talented but famous “actress”, “singer” and “model” that I can think of. She has a net worth of millions/billions; I cook a $12 Campbell’s Soup dinner for my girlfriend. “But Eric, that’s not fair! She was born into mass amounts of wealth; you can’t compare her immense income and educational failures to our meager income and educational successes! We are on a different playing field!” That’s my point! Instead of piling up college loans, you should have been looking for richer parents! Or take Jenn’s approach and try to get knocked up by professional football players! No one cares how smart you are or what your degree is in. They would rather watch the Simple Life re-runs. Stupidity is alive and well my friends. Your college degree would be worth ten times what it is now if you just took it out of its frame and had Paris autograph it for you. #5 Spencer Pratt and Heidi the Plastic Doll- televisions best couple: If these two don’t convince you that going to college was dumb and doing something crazy and stupid would have made you millions, then nothing will. I can’t tell you one interesting thing about these two besides that Heidi’s plastic surgeon’s life’s motto is: bigger is better! I’ve never seen one episode of the Hills, because my IQ is higher than 80. But if it wasn’t, I’d probably be a star… Jenn loathes Spencer’s flesh colored beard. I loathe the fact that he could buy everything I own for $50. So whether you use your college degree to sit in a cubicle all day like Jenn, or you use it to hold up the low end of your book shelf like me, just know that someday those college loans will be paid off. Someday you will no longer be in massive debt. After a few more years of corporate servitude you will probably change your name and move to some island where the loan officer will never find you. Or you can just do something stupid and make millions. Thanks for reading my something stupid. Sources Cited (aka- Shit I used) 1- The Forbes 400 http://www.forbes.com/wealth/forbes-400 2- NEWSWIRE: Jersey Shore's The Situation will make $5 million this year by Sean O’Neil http://www.avclub.com/articles/jersey-shores-the-situation-will-make-5-million-th,44475/ 3- Kim Kardashian’s Website http://kimkardashian.celebuzz.com/bio/ Seeing as though everyone loves to read about my miserable dating life; I figured why not help all of you out with your own relationship conundrums? Hell, I have had most of the issues anyways, so by now I guess I can consider myself an “expert.” Kind of like Dr. Phil, but with no irritating southern accent, all of my hair, and a vagina. So, send me your questions, or write in to our email with some ideas that you would like me to cover with my severely less-than-educated advice. Let’s make this a team effort. Plus, I think we can all agree that it’s only fair to make this double sided; you’ve gotten to hear about my horrendous dating stories, so now I want to hear yours! Email Jenn: istruggle@ridethestrigglebus.com Don't forget to comment! It makes me feel like I have a lot more friends. Jenn's Dating Advice: How Do I Get My Boyfriend to Leave His Wife? The “Relationship Advice” question of the week comes from Champagne in South Carolina. Champagne writes: Hey Jenn, I hope you’re still terrorizing men and ruining lives one at a time. I have a question that I think you may be able to help me with. My friends are getting sick of me asking them, and they also think I am a bad person. I have tried to tell them that they just don’t understand my situation, and my boyfriend really loves me. I think that my boyfriend is nervous and may be scared of commitment. My question to you: How do I get my boyfriend to leave his wife? First of all, I would like to thank the strip club for turning on the lights long enough for you to send in this gem of a question. Champagne? I really hope that is just your stage name. That, or you’re a very large black woman who is about to whoop my ass. Either way, I appreciate you taking a break from the pole to read the site. In reference to your question, it’s a pretty easy solution. Yes, I agree with you; your boyfriend does seem to be scared of commitment. Hence why he is taking his legal/religious commitment to his wife so seriously. Have you thought of trying to get pregnant? I know that kind of thing is frowned upon in your line of work, but there are some creeps out there that like a g-string and a baby bump. It gives you that “glow” that everyone talks about, and also provides them with the assurance that they can’t knock you up, since someone already made that mistake. So, Champagne, I would say that you should stop using condoms or any other type of birth control to insure that you make this happen. Well, I highly doubt that you use them anyway, and the money you should have been spending on BC is probably being used to feed your recreational drug habit. Once you have achieved desired pregnancy level, I would advise you to send an anonymous letter to your boyfriend’s wife about your expected bundle of joy. At that point, your boyfriend will have no choice but to be with you, because his wife will hit him with divorce papers so hard that your unborn child will feel it. There you go. No need to thank me. Just send me pictures of the baby. Seeing as though everyone loves to read about my miserable dating life; I figured why not help all of you out with your own relationship conundrums? Hell, I have had most of the issues anyways, so by now I guess I can consider myself an “expert.” Kind of like Dr. Phil, but with no irritating southern accent, all of my hair, and a vagina. So, send me your questions, or write in to our email with some ideas that you would like me to cover with my severely less-than-educated advice. Let’s make this a team effort. Plus, I think we can all agree that it’s only fair to make this double sided; you’ve gotten to hear about my horrendous dating stories, so now I want to hear yours! Email Jenn: istruggle@ridethestrigglebus.com Don't forget to comment! It makes me feel like I have a lot more friends. Jenn's Dating Advice: How to Create an Online Dating Profile The very first question comes from Casey in Tampa. Jenn, how do you create an online dating profile? I am thinking of joining Plenty of Fish, but I don’t want to look lame when I post my info. Ok, Casey- this can be easy, or it can be difficult. Please, keep in mind that no matter what- you’re going to look lame. You have chosen to resort to the world of cyber dating because you couldn’t hack it with real life interactions. So, my first piece of advice is to just let go of any shred of dignity you may have left; trust me, things will be a lot less painful. Since your parents named you with a unisex name (probably because they wanted you to be the opposite sex of what you are now- it’s ok, I’m sure they almost love you just the same), I am not exactly sure if I need to approach this under the assumption that you’re a man or a woman? I am going to tell you exactly how people usually create their profiles, my thoughts about it, and then you should just do the complete opposite. You should be cleanin’ house in the world of online dating in no time! 1- Make up some corny screen name like “CutiePie123”, “R1ght14U”, or “B1gB1ack9nhalf.” For some reason, every time someone with a name like the last one would message me, I always felt like extremely uncomfortable. 2- For men: Bitch and whine about how nice guys always finish last. Here is an idea- maybe you finish last because you’re too busy whining and adjusting your maxi pad? Sack up. 3- For women: Dedicate an entire 2 paragraphs about how you’re “so sick of games” and “just want a real man who treats me how I deserve to be treated!” My advice- Stop being a doormat and you won’t be treated like one. And, stop calling it “playing games” when he just doesn’t want to be with you. 4- If you’re unemployed; under the part where it asks your profession, just write “other,” or list the profession that you want people to believe you have. I have heard so many stories about unemployment; “the economy is terrible,” “I wanted to take some time to explore what I really want to do.” This is true; since the recession, there has been a decline in the need for Sandwich Artists at Subway. 5- If you have kids, make sure you write a paragraph how they are your world, your life, and the only thing that matters to you. And, don’t forget to finish it off with “so if you can’t handle me AND my kid, you best be clickin’ the “next profile” button! Ok perfect- NEXT!! Listen, if you have a kid- that’s great for you, not for me. I don’t have kids, and there is a reason for that. But, don’t get me wrong;I can’t really look down on anyone, or fault them for having a kid. After all, we all doing the same thing that they were, but they just got caught. 6- Make sure, when listing what you are looking for in a possible mate, that you write “I want someone who takes care of themselves,” or “I like being active, so you should too!” If you can’t read between the lines- that says “NO BEACHED WHALES” and “NO FATTIES.” Hope this helped! Please, let us know your progress! Love, Jenn USF Part 4: Jenn's Version of Eric Gets Kicked Out of Raymond James Stadium! This is part 4 of a 4 part short story by Eric and Jenn about the Beef Studs and the University of South Florida soccer and football games! Part 1 - 3 is in Eric's Archives. Check it out if you missed it! Jenn B.: Ok, so by now, I am sure you have all read Eric’s 3-part chronicle about his latest obsession with the University of South Florida’s sports team support system; “The Beef Studs.” Eric and I hold true to the fact that all of our stories are as honest as we can make them, and portrayed as precisely as our alcohol-ridden minds allow. In this case, you guys have heard Eric’s version of the night’s events when he was kicked out of Raymond James stadium- well, now you will get mine. The big difference between the validity of each side of the story, you ask? I was sober, while my little Ginger smelled like a brewery. *** The Struggle Bus team has a new roommate- our slammin’ hot Pana-Mexican friend, Jo Jo has moved in, and completed the tri-fecta. Good thing she has been friends with us for a little while, so she knew what she was getting into. Saturday September 4th started out like any other Saturday; Eric had early morning volleyball games, I was trying to make plans for what we would be getting into later that night, and Jo Jo was cutting out of work early. She wanted to start pre-gaming with me BEFORE we went to the pre-game tailgate for the USF game. I love her. The football game didn’t start until 6 pm, so Jo Jo, her man Sal-GI (see previous Beef Stud stories), and I decided that we were going to go to the stadium early to try and make friends. Well, Sal wanted to make friends with his fellow USF’ers, while Jo Jo and I could have cared less about meeting anyone. Her and I were content with just hanging out with ourselves because she enjoys my sense of humor, I enjoy her one-liners, and we both love Patron. I like her mostly because she encourages me to do bad things, and by “bad things”, I mean things that will most likely facilitate a great article. I wish I could say that we were all having a great time, but that would be a bold faced lie. Jo Jo and I were bored to tears, drinking and attempting to cause trouble, while Sal-GI was running around from group to group, trying to make a bunch of 18 year olds like him. Usually, I am extremely outgoing, but when I am forced to be around people that I wouldn’t piss on should they catch on fire, then I become the queen of anti-social. Joanna and I were sitting in the shade, talking about sex, and Sal-GI kept running over with the “Look what I did, Mom!” mentality about the drinking games he was dominating. Really, you’re beating 18 year olds? I’m impressed. Situations like this one are the main reason that I am friends with Eric. He always makes them better, or worse, depending on who’s side you’re looking at it from. Jo Jo and I decided that it was time for Eric and El Bing to get there. I texted him (probably verbatim), “Hey idiot, this is brutal, Jo Jo and I want Big Girl Booze. Where are you and the flasks?” He responded with a “be there ASAP” text. In “Eric Hippy Time,” that means approximately 4 hours. *** Fast forward to about 7pm. Jo Jo is plowed, I am cranky as shit, and Sal-GI wants to punch both of us in the face, because for some reason, he is actually trying to pay attention to the “exhilarating” football game. Ok, guys, let me reiterate- it was USF vs. Stony Brook. I can almost guarantee that if you don’t live in New York, then you have never heard of Stony Brook. It’s not like we were at the NCAA National Championship, or the Super Bowl. We were at the home opener for USF, versus a school that is equivalent to a skid mark on the underwear of Division I football. Relax, pal. I began texting Eric repeatedly. Where the hell was he? This is when my night took a dive- directly into the toilet. Sal-GI got a phone call from El Bing- “Sal, I need your help. I am down at the front gate. Eric got kicked out. He had that stupid fucking vuvuzela again.” Being a very good friend, Sal-GI left to go try and figure something out. (How did he ever find the strength to peel himself away from such an exciting game?! It was like 45-0. I think USF had it in the bag.) I was left in charge of babysitting Jo Jo. Now I know how Eric feels when we go out. A half hour or so passed, and Sal-GI returned. He didn’t have much to say except, “Eric snuck the horn in, and he got kicked out. El Bing is going to look for him.” After relaying this information, Sal-GI was ready to get back to the game of the century, as if nothing had happened. As if my best friend wasn’t just ejected from the stadium. As if I wasn’t out of booze, and my flasks were in the same place as my unaccounted for best friend. As if I wasn’t about to ruin everyone’s evening, if we didn’t leave and find the idiot. I made the executive decision that it was time to go. We had to find Eric. What if he was in jail? (Secretly, I was hoping he was in jail because I could only imagine what kind of story would come from that situation: Tall Ginger, all body-painted up, and pockets filled with flasks of Crown Royal. I wondered what his jailhouse boyfriend’s name would be?) Sal-GI was clearly pissed off at me. Jo Jo couldn’t have given less of a shit; at this point, she didn’t even realize she was at a football game. I was under the assumption that my best friend was smart, savvy, and resourceful. Logically thinking, these thoughts lead me to believe that he probably caught a cab back to our place, and he would be sitting on the stairs like a lost puppy when we arrived. Wrong. We all met El Bing back at our place- No Eric. At this point, we were all just throwing out ideas as to where the stupid red head was: · Maybe he is in jail? · Maybe he got back in the stadium and couldn’t find us? · Maybe he is walking home? And, the most logical thought: · Maybe he found a bar, and he is getting drunk? There was no way I could believe that my best friend, with his private college education, would be dumb enough to leave all his friends worrying about him, and go get drunk. Boy was I wrong. Eric never ceases to amaze me. *** I fell asleep for a little while, assuming Eric would show up eventually. But, hours had gone by, and still no Ginger. El Bing burst into my room and said something along the lines of, “Jenn, Eric still isn’t home, he hasn’t called his cell phone, and I am hungry. Let’s go get food.” Oh yea, I forgot to mention- El Bing had his cell phone. What person wouldn’t think to CALL THEIR OWN CELL PHONE, especially when you know your friends have it in their possession? Gingers. That’s who. El Bing and I hopped in her car, and we were headed in the direction of McNuggets. At this point, I felt like a little kid. I was more concerned about which dipping sauce I was going to get, than worrying about if my best friend was taking it in the butt by his new cellmate, “Cesar.” We were at the gate to our development, when I saw what looked like a 6’2”, homeless person fall out of the backseat of a Honda Civic. No, he wasn’t homeless. He actually lived in my apartment. Bounding towards us, barely being able to maneuver his own two feet, was Eric Prae. I hated him. I wanted him to fall and knock his front teeth out. “Look at this moron,” we said in unison. Eric dove in the backseat of the car, and all he could say “HOOOOOLY SHIT. I am sooooo happy to see you guys. I went to the Yankees game!” I was beyond pissed off. I knew he was probably going to say something that would make me want to inflict pain on him, so all I could say was, “Eric. Shut up. Just shut up.” Eric couldn’t understand why I wanted to end his life. El Bing just cared about the nuggets, so we had to listen to Eric attempt at explaining what happened that night, the entire car ride there. I am pretty sure, over the course of a 25 minute trip to and from McD’s, we were given 15 o |