The Monday Night Dong
by Eric Prae
The Monday Night Dong!!!
A few of our readers have asked me to write more about sports. So far on the Struggle Bus I have written about sports just 3 times. Why? Because there is already plenty of worthless noise surrounding professional sports out there, and I think adding to it makes us all dumber. So, I try to go in a completely different direction. I try to be stupid AND funny.
Little Known Fact: The first ever blog post on the Struggle Bus was actually about sports! On 3/2/10 I dropped a satire article making fun of the media coverage of Tim Tebow called “Tim Tebow Reinvents the Throw”. Unfortunately, it was the Struggle Bus’ first day of existence, and the Denver Broncos hadn’t heard of the Struggle Bus yet (OK, like, only my mom had heard about us at that point, but go with me here). Then, said Broncos bought into the media hype, wasted a first round draft pick on Tebow, and now religious sports commentators get to celebrate the single rushing touchdown that Tim gets every season while people in Denver freeze their asses off at a game while wondering if they could have acquired Tim’s services for much less. At least the Broncos sold A LOT of jerseys to rednecks in Gainesville.
The second time I wrote about sports I gave my readers an insider’s look at my eternal love for the corpulent, loud-mouth, don’t-take-shit-from-anyone, baby-faced head coach of the New York Jets. It went really well, but it lead to a solid Struggle Moment when the director of a charity event I was MC-ing actually went to my website, saw the picture I made on Photoshop of Rex Ryan and I flipping each other off, and got really offended. Luckily she stopped at that picture and didn’t read anything Jenn has ever written. I probably would have been fired, or placed on a sex offender list.
The third time I wrote about sports, I defended the honor of my childhood heroes Walt “Clyde” Frazier and his backcourt mate “Black Jesus”. I wrote about how Clyde was smooth and how Black Jesus was a revolutionary. I loved it. White people everywhere got confused.
Why can’t I write seriously about sports? Because I see professional sports for what they are: grown men playing a game meant for children and getting paid millions of dollars for it; Only because we the fans/gamblers/fantasy team owners care more about the outcomes of the games than the actual players.
It’s just a stupid game! Calm down!
The Cathedral
I don’t understand the religious-like passion for certain players/teams that lead to Yankee fans spitting at Cliff Lee’s wife during a playoff game (the Yankees are trying to sign him for next year… idiots). I will never understand why a fan in Detroit instigated a riot with players during a completely meaningless regular season NBA basketball game because Ben Wallace got fouled a little too hard. I find it hilarious watching people in Cleveland burn all the LeBron James paraphernalia that they spent their own hard earned money on over the past seven years because it might make them feel better.
It’s just a stupid game. Calm down.
(Side note: If I was LeBron James and I was constantly signing 100 million dollar contracts with NBA teams, Nike and Gatorade, I would take some of the money I was going to completely waste at the strip club and send every single household in Cleveland a Miami Heat #6 jersey with “Merry Christmas & F*** You” printed on the back nameplate. Why? Because I have a sense of humor and really don’t care if a city doesn’t like me. It would live on in infamy as the greatest Christmas gift story ever.)
Sometimes I am just as guilty as you are. Just the other day I was flipping channels and saw Nomar Garciaparra on ESPN breaking down Baseball players; I instantly thought “what a douche” and turned off the TV. Then I realized what I just did. I judged someone I have never met because they played for the Red Sox, just because I am a Rays fan. Nomar isn’t the douche, I am.
Our culture takes sports so seriously that teams threaten to leave their respective cities if they aren’t built a new, state of the art, modern day Roman Coliseum to play in. Just ask anyone in Miami how the Marlins duped the politicians into using tax payer money to build them “Megatron-Marlin-Stadium” so their city could keep a team that went 80 and 82, doesn’t spend money on players, and couldn’t compete for the wild card in the crappy National League. Why spend money providing for the poor, or rebuilding a broken community, or creating jobs, when you can watch Wes Helms hit .220 in a new ballpark?
If you are reading this in Tampa and laughing, don’t. I promise our city and tax payers are next in line to get screwed. Just like Miami, we don’t go to baseball games. But, unlike Miami, our team is actually good, so our politicians will bend us over to keep them.
If you are reading this in NY and laughing, don’t. You just got screwed into two new stadiums (three if you count the Meadowlands, but that’s in Jersey. Four if you count the total debacle that is Jay-Z moving the Nets to Brooklyn (but that doesn’t count because I LOVE basketball), and the Marlins finished one game better than the Mets. Enjoy your $20 beer at Citi Field.
But, the holy Cathedral that surrounds professional athletics is at its worst when it comes to the commentary and analysis of our beloved pastimes. We have 24 hour coverage and scrutiny of every second of every game that is ever going to be played. Instead of just enjoying a Dolphins game, I have to watch eight different former players or coach’s cram into a desk made for two, wearing $5000 suits tell me things like:
-“They need the quarterback to play well to win today”
-“The defense needs to step up”
-“They need to start fast and finish strong to pull-out a victory”
Thanks guys. You’re brilliant. Nice suit.
So, it is time for a change. It is time for someone to bring some comedy to sports commentary. I think I am just the man for the job! Why doesn’t anyone make this fun?
The Monday Night Dong!
On October 11th, 2010, the NFL and Monday Night Football set a new record. They hit a major milestone. Nobody talked about it, so I will! This is what a broadcast of Monday Night Football would be like if I were in the booth with my new friends Jon Gruden, Jaws (Ron Jaworski) and Mike Tirico. The game was between the Viking and the Jets, but I want to talk about dong!
(THIS IS A FICTIONAL BROADCAST THAT I MADE UP. I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW THESE PEOPLE. COMEDY PURPOSES ONLY. PLEASE DON’T SUE ME.)
Eric Prae: Welcome to Monday Night Football between the Jets and the Vikings!!! I am your host Eric Prae, here with my good buddies Jon, Jaws and Mike. We have A LOT to talk about! Let’s start with the major milestone that we hit tonight.
Jon: You mean Brett Favre’s 500 TD pass?
Eric Prae: Nope, couldn’t care less.
Jaws: He means Randy Moss’ return to the team that drafted him!
Eric Prae: Absolutely not!
Mike: You mean that I told the world I’m not black?
Eric Prae: Not touching that one Mike, but that’s the best guess so far.
I am talking about the fact that this game will have the most amount of publicly seen athletic penis’ on one field, in the history of sports!!! I am renaming this show: the Monday Night Dong! Let’s talk about some dongs!
Mike, Jaws, Jon: WHAT???
Eric Prae: You heard me! Tonight we have three publicly shown one eyed wangers, spanning two teams, with one current major controversy! There is nowhere America would rather be than right here, talking about dong!
Mike: So nobody cares that I said I wasn’t black?
Eric Prae: MIKE! Relax, I said I wasn’t going there. I’d rather talk about pee-pee. Not in the mood for race talk this week, and it really doesn’t matter what color you are because with Jon and Jaws around this booth, it couldn’t get any whiter anyway…
Jon and Jaws: WHAT???
Eric Prae: Never mind. Let’s talk about Monday Night Football making history!
On the field tonight are three, yes THREE football players who have shown their penis’ publicly, and only one of them did it by accident!
Mike: Too bad Greg Oden doesn’t play football, that public dong was HUGE.
Eric Prae: All right Mike! Way to get involved! Great point! Jon, Jaws, any commentary so far???
Jon: That dong is a football player!!!!
(Jaws looks at me like he might shank me for ruining the cathedral that is Monday Night Football on ESPN)
Eric Prae: All right Jon! Let’s start first with Jets receiver, Santonio Holmes who had someone take a picture of him standing in the shower wearing nothing but a Live Strong bracelet. It’s safe to say that if you have seen this pic, it might have taken a few looks to notice the Live Strong bracelet. (1)
Mike: His dong was soooo big, I’m not sure how he runs so fast!
Eric Prae: If my dong looked like that I would never wear pants!!!
Mike: Seriously, it has to weigh him down. Women must be terrified of him.
Jon: THAT guy is a football player!
(Jaws stands up, punches me in the face and starts walking out)
Eric Prae: I think Jaws is going down to the field to ask Santonio if his Super Bowl ring from Pittsburgh is big enough to fit around his…
(Jaws turns as he is walking out and throws a binder at me, then slams the door)
Eric Prae: Maybe not.
If you think that dong is big, let’s move to Visanthe Shiancoe! This Vikings tight end was accidentally shown naked on National TV when after a Viking-Lions game! FOX cameras were in the locker room to watch the owner of the team give out a game ball. The cameras caught Visanthe and BIG Visanthe coming out of the shower. In Visanthe’s defense, he was wearing a towel, but nothing short of an area rug could have covered up that thing!
Mike: I heard stadium security showed up because of a report that a huge snake was loose in the locker room.
Jon: THAT guy is a football player!
Eric Prae: That’s right! In one magical moment, FOX TV cameras caught Vikings owner Zygi Wilf’s incredibly bad mustache, Brad Childress’ bald head, and Visanthe’s huge dong! If you stare at the picture long enough on the internet, you might go blind. (2)
Jon: Help, I can’t see!
Mike: Look away from the screen Jon!
Jon: Ohh, I’m ok. THAT guy is a FOOTBALL PLAYER!!!
Eric Prae: Damn strait! The next guy on the Monday Night Dong is Brett Favre. Brett has the smallest and oldest dong out of the three, but since his dong is the most famous- we will cover it last.
Mike: And, Jenn Sterger is hot!
Eric Prae: Yes she is!
Jon: THAT chick is a football player!
Eric Prae: All over the internet, via Deadspin, we got to see the humiliating pictures of Brett Favre’s penis that he sent to former Jets sideline reporter Jenn Sterger. She alleges he was trying to get her to come back to his room for a booty call. Brett says he just wanted to show her his “Blitz Package”. (3)
Mike: It this more humiliating because Brett is married, he is a future Hall of Famer, or because his dong was 1/8th the size of Santonio’s or Visanthe’s?
Jon: THAT guy’s not much of a football player.
Eric Prae: It was the most embarrassing because of the odd mixture of its size, shape and hair color. But you have to give Brett credit; he went for the Hail Mary with that one. Jenn Sterger is slammin’ hot. Plus, we all know that Brett has thrown the most interceptions of all time. These photos were destined to get “picked off”.
Mike: I feel like Dan Marino in his prime would have hit it with Sterger, then all of her friends, then played the next day and thrown 4 touchdowns.
Jon: THAT guy was a hell of a football player!
Eric Prae: Totally agree Mike. I now move Dan Marino back to the best of all time, sorry Brett.
Mike: You know I think your right. Too bad former Jets great and Hall of Famer Joe Namath wasn’t in the practice facility to teach Brett some game.
Jon: THAT guy was a football player.
Eric Prae: Yes he was Jon!!! Yes he was!
Well that will do it for our coverage of the Monday Night Dong. We would stay here and announce the game, but I think Jaws is outside lighting my car on fire and well, the game will be boring as shit anyway! Who cares about the Vikings and the Jets???
Have a great night!
Sources:
FYI- If you click on these links, you will see dong. Don't do it at work! Don’t get fired. We will laugh at you!
1- http://outsports.com/jocktalkblog/2008/04/21/santonio-holmes-nekkid-in-the-shower/
2- http://www.bittenandbound.com/2008/12/08/visanthe-shiancoe-exposed-in-locker-room-video/
3- http://deadspin.com/5658206/brett-favres-cellphone-seduction-of-jenn-sterger
Short Story by Eric Prae
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istruggle@RidetheStruggleBus.com
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