Eric Pee's in a Cup
by Eric Prae
Eric Pee's in a Cup
My good friend Jackie “Gangster” Mac decided to bring me on as a coach for the club volleyball team she works with. I was very excited. Someone is going to pay me to run around a gym, teach and play a sport that I absolutely love and am good at? Perfect! And, I get a free gym membership? Yes we can!
I went through all the appropriate steps to being hired. I did the interview, the background screening, and attended the coaches’ meeting- easy stuff. Then I got to the last step in the hiring process: the very controversial, almighty drug test!
You should know upfront that I’m not some advocate for or against drug testing. I really don’t care either way. I totally understand how people feel violated being tested for something they do in their leisure time by their employers. I also think they should just legalize weed already. But, I understand that companies want to know if the people that are representing them are shooting heroin in the back alley during lunch break. Bottom line is: I now work with children, and the parents of those children probably don’t want someone on drugs teaching their kids anything.
I also don’t care about drug testing because all I had to lose by taking this test was a few precious hours of my life. I don’t do drugs. Actually, I do a lot of caffeine and booze, but for some reason those drugs are legal.
I got to my new place of employment and waited in the lobby for my paperwork. Three large, older men were sitting around a table talking about deer hunting. I instantly ran over to the window to make sure it wasn’t snowing: I thought I already moved out of a small up-state NY town! People in Tampa sit around a tables and talk about deer hunting? I decided to jump into their educational conversation.
Old Dude #1: (mid conversation, I missed the first part) Yeah boy, we usually like to kill a deer or two and then head for out for food.
Old Dude #2: It’s ok huntin’ up there, but I don’t like how people just cut the heads off the deer and pile them in that old dumpster! Grosses me out!
Old Dude #1: That’s ridiculous! I just do what the bible says and dig a hole right by the car and bury it.
I started giggling because I was picturing this old fat guy in a flannel sweating over the digging of a fresh deer head grave in the Florida heat.
Eric Prae: (doing my best southern accent) Damn! The bible says that you can slaughter an animal as long as you bury the head? Hell Yeah! I got to read me some of that book!
They both just stared at me in horror. My paperwork was ready; I grabbed it from the front desk and skipped back to my car. My morning of comedy was just beginning.
***
In my mind, when I picture getting a drug test, I picture myself walking into a really clean doctor’s office, grabbing a cup from their counter, having some super hot nurse watch me pee the perfect amount into my collection container and then showing off my pimp walk as a saunter back to my car. I figured the whole ordeal would take somewhere between one and three minutes. No problems.
I was wrong. Dead f-ing wrong.
I can only describe the real life drug test center as something between a methadone clinic and a crack house. There were 30 of the most despondent, hopeless, and beaten down people I have ever seen, slumped over into waiting room chairs, praying that their name was the next to be called. I walked up to the reception window, there was nobody there. I waited and looked around. Still nobody. I cleared my throat really loudly and finely a very short portly woman with gold teeth came around the corner.
Ms. Gold Teeth: What ‘chu need?
Eric Prae: Hi, I have to take a drug test for work and…
Ms. Gold Teeth: Well just sign in then! (She points to a sign that reads: “please sign in”)
Eric Prae: Oh, OK, I was just wondering if…
Ms. Gold Teeth: Just sign in! We will get to you! It’s about an hour wait.
Crap, now I have to sit here for an hour and the leader of the crack house, Ms. Gold Teeth, was mad at me. After signing in, I turned back to the waiting room and noticed that there was no TV, no radio, and no magazines. I took a seat in the far back corner and started doing what I always do when I get really bored: text Jenn and people watch.
Luckily for me my comedy partner gets bored at her big girl job and has plenty of time to spend texting me every day. Here was our conversation:
Eric Prae: Sitting at a drug test clinic, waiting for some hood rat making $8 an hour to call my name. FML
Jenn B.: So do you find it ironic that you have to get a drug test to get a job, but people don’t have to take drug tests to go on welfare?
Eric Prae: This is horrible; sitting here makes me want to do drugs…
Jenn B.: Work today makes me want to do drugs. But, on the bright side- I came into work and found a giant bottle of Jameson on my desk for all my “hard work.” Winner, winner, who needs dinner?!
The best part of the people watching was seeing the reactions of the people in line as Ms. Gold Teeth told them it would be an hour or longer wait. Some people yelled at her. Some people stormed out. Some people politely told her they would come back. I felt their pain, sitting there for an hour to do something that would only take one minute seemed ridiculous. The best part was how calm and cool Ms. Gold Teeth kept it. She didn’t care either way if you took your drug test. She didn’t care if you waited an hour, a day or a week; she was still getting paid.
Every so often, Ms. Gold Teeth would call you up and then the doors would open to let you in. After I was done texting/harassing Jenn, the doors flew open and an old guy who looked like he wanted to kill someone stumbled out holding a sippy cup. I wondered what his problem was. Then I quickly found out. What I assume was his wife came out right behind him using a walker and screaming at him!
Old Lady: HARROLD! DID YOU REMEMBNER MY SIPPY CUP? HOLD THE DOOR! HOW FAR IS THE CAR?
Everyone in the waiting room (who spoke English) was laughing hysterically as this poor man ran from his wife while being berated by her.
There was a lady sitting in a waiting room chair to the left of me screeching into her cell phone so we all could hear her conversation. Best part was that she was sitting directly under a “no cell phones” sign. Classic.
The guy to the right of me got on his cell phone and decided to loudly tell the person he was talking to that he was getting an STD test. I quickly inched my chair as far from him as possible.
Finally, my name was called!
Ms. Gold Teeth: Eric Prae…. Ummm… Praetoski…. Ummm… Praeacowski… Ummm… Eric P! Come to the window.
Eric Prae: Hi! Here is my paperwork…
Ms. Gold Teeth: You are here to take a drug test?
Eric Prae: Yeah, I am a little worried. I didn’t really study; I am hoping to get like a B or a B- and still pass the class.
Ms. Gold Teeth didn’t get my joke.
Ms. Gold Teeth: Do you have any questions?
Eric Prae: Just one. How long does cocaine stay in your system???
Ms. Gold Teeth: JUST GO THROUGH THE DOORS!
Ohhhh, now the person who made me wait an hour has an attitude and can’t take a joke?
I walked in the back and was met by the woman who was going to take my pee. She instantly started giving me an attitude.
Pee Collector: Sir, you need to put ALL of your belongings in that locker right there. Please do it now.
I did.
Pee Collector: Here is the cup for your sample; you MUST fill it to the black line. If you do not fill it to the black line you will have to come back again. You MAY NOT flush! You ONLY HAVE FOUR MINUTES TO COMPLETE THIS TASK!!!
Eric Prae: I have four minutes?
Pee Collector: Yes. Four and only four.
Eric Prae: Sweet! I got time to drop a deuce! Should I keep the door open?
Again, a person who was giving me an attitude doesn’t have a sense of humor.
I went into my allotted pee place and filled her cup to the brim. I definitely didn’t want to come back and wait all over again. When I was finished, I proudly handed her my full specimen bottle.
She poured half of it out.
Eric Prae: What did you do that for?
Pee Collector: I only need half of what you gave me.
Eric Prae: Lady, with the amount of Bud Light I drank last night, you could have squeezed a lime in that cup and sold it! Way to be wasteful!
Pee Collector: Here is your receipt sir, PLEASE LEAVE!
What did I learn from all of this nonsense? If you have to suffer through a drug test and lose a valuable chunk of your day, take the time to torture the idiots that are making you wait. At least you will have some fun.
Short Story by Eric Prae
Thanks for reading! You can email Eric at:
istruggle@RidetheStruggleBus.com
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