Team Struggle & Bret Michaels!
by Eric Prae
Team Struggle & Bret Michaels!
I’m not sure what day in history we stopped vilifying 1980’s American Pop Culture and started glorifying it. It just isn’t the best decade that American musical history has to offer. I blame VH1.
The 1980’s was the decade of bad, canned rock music. It all sounds the same to me. It’s all just another brick in the wall. You can pour some sugar on me. You can welcome me to the jungle. You can tell me that I can’t stop believing. I’ve been to Funkytown over and over again, and I just don’t care.
To make matters worse, we now have to relive this decade of bad canned rock music every time your local pub has a karaoke night, and every middle class white person born from 1980 – 1989 shows up to screech a horrifying rendition of Journey that would make Simon Cowell put a gun in his mouth.
I guess every rose has its thorn.
But, who was coming to Tampa? Bret Michaels! The former front man for 1980’s rock legend, Poison! Did Team Struggle saddle up and head over to the Trop? Absolutely! It was a free excuse for me to drink and hopefully provoke Jenn into doing something stupid. What could go wrong?
How much did it cost to see a baseball game and a concert here in Tampa for four people? $40. That’s it. Oh, and they threw in four free hotdogs, four free drinks and four free cracker jacks. At that time our baseball team was in first place and was in route to winning the American League East. But, since no one goes to the games, you can get four tickets, four hotdogs, four drinks, four crackerjacks, and see a concert for less than a VIP room lap dance. I love Tampa soooo much! Go Rays.
We got our free food, drinks, may or may not have poured our flasks into the drinks, and then made our way up to section 2035, row zzz, seat 65-68. I guess when you only pay $10 for tickets and food you basically have to sit on the roof. Joining Jenn and I on this week’s adventure were Struggle Bus friends Jeff and Nick.
I don’t remember if the Rays won the game or not, I was too consumed with people watching, drinking and reading to pay attention to the game (yes, I said reading. I brought a book. Don’t judge me, baseball is boring as shit). Here are the highlights from the game:
There were two kids sitting behind us (in the only row after zzz) that had a cowbell and they banged on it EVERY SECOND OF THE GAME. It wasn’t one of those nice little cowbells that the Rays hand out that fit on one finger. No, it was a homemade monster cowbell that they were hitting with drum sticks. You could probably hear it all the way back in Tampa. It was driving us all crazy, but they were sitting directly behind Jenn, and I thought she was going to commit homicide.
Jenn B.: (talking to me) Isn’t that bothering you? I’m going to f*** these kids up!
Eric’s Brain: Please, please, please Jenn, beat this child to death and make my night interesting!
Eric’s Mouth: No, I turned my hearing aids off a while ago. They’re just kids. I don’t mind.
Then, the Rays got a hit and the kids beat the cowbell like it owed them money. I think the whole section turned around and glared at them.
Jenn B.: UGGGGGHHHH! IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Eric’s Brain: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Eric’s Mouth: What is?
Jenn B.: The f***ing Liberty Bell that that those idiot children are smashing in my ear drums! Screw this, I’ve had enough.
Jenn got up and turned around. I got excited.
Jenn B.: Hey assholes! If you don’t…
Jeff: (seeing the train wreck coming and heading it off) Excuse me kids, do you mind keeping it down?
Then Jeff went on to politely explain the correct times to hit the cowbell and not to just beat it repeatedly throughout the whole game. Jenn sat down without incident. Looks like Jeff really is the guy that can date Jenn- he tames her.
Eric’s Mouth: Thanks Jeff!
Eric’s Brain: Screw you Jeff! I really wanted to see Jenn throw a kid down the stairs.
Later on in the 5th inning, a fight broke out in the section to the right of us. Some white trash looking dude was screaming at a female and the whole section seemed to be sticking up for her. The first funny thing was watching security run up the stairs to row zzz. It looked like the end of a triathlon. I thought one security guy was going to pass out. Then they got an explanation of what happened from some guy in a polo shirt, and instantly decided to put the white trash looking guy in a headlock.
This was hilarious because I have been to a lot of Rays games and NEVER seen security touch anybody. At a Bucs or USF game, you can get thrown out for breathing on someone wrong, but since the Rays have no fans, they seem to respect their paying customers a lot more. Usually if a problem breaks out, they just move your seat to another section. You could literally murder someone in the bathroom at a Rays game and then get your seats upgraded if you had paid to get in; as long as you agree to come back and pay again another night.
Did the white trash guy leave? Absolutely not! He fought the security people all the way down the stairs, screaming at the poor woman the whole time. He kept it classy.
Then it was time for the running of the Pepsi bottles (1). If you haven’t seen this, what happens is a foot race between three giant mascot bottles from third base to home plate. There is the brown Pepsi bottle, the green Sierra Mist bottle and a white Aquafina bottle. Then there is Raymond the Ray (the big Rays mascot) who always creates some sort of mayhem and during the race. As stupid as this sounds, I find the running of the bottles mesmerizing.
The race began and the bottles were off! The brown Pepsi bottle took off and got a huge lead with the white Aquafina bottle in second and the stupid little green Sierra Mist bottle (who never wins) lagging behind. Then, the white bottle started to catch up at the half way point! But then, the brown bottle found a second wind and took off, he was not going to be caught!
Right as the brown bottle was about to cross the finish line, Raymond the Ray tackled him and started hitting him! The white bottle flew past them and took first place! The white bottle had won because Raymond cheated and took out the faster brown bottle.
Eric Prae (screaming): OHH SHIT THAT’S RACIST!!!
Everyone in my section stopped what they were doing, turned around and stared at me. One African American guy two rows ahead of us started laughing his ass off. He seemed to be the only one who found that funny.
Eric Prae: Come on people! That’s funny.
Jenn B.: God I hate you.
Then it was time for the concert. We moved from the o-zone layer that was the third deck, to seats in the first deck that were much closer to the show. I had forgotten what breathing normal air was like and needed a few more beers to adjust.
The overhead lights went dim, the stage lit up, it was time for Bret!
Then it wasn’t. No Bret, just some guy that came out on stage and gave us a five minute infomercial about what we could do to make Bret Michaels money. We could watch his new reality show on VH1. We could buy his new book. We could go to his website. We could go see him in Orlando this winter. Did they mention that he had a book out? Yes? Well let’s talk about it more. Buy it, buy it, buy it!
It was five minutes of my life that I want back.
Then “Welcome to the Jungle” came on blaring over the speakers.
Eric Prae: Wait, wait, wait. I don’t think this is a Poison song.
Jenn B.: It’s not, dumb-ass. It’s Guns & Roses.
Eric Prae: Oh. So why are we listening to it?
Jenn B.: No idea.
Then Bret Michaels came out on stage! He talked about how blessed he was and how much he loved Tampa. He asked us if we have bought his book. We haven’t? Oh, well it is available to buy at…
Then Bret played Sweet Home Alabama.
Eric Prae: I’m pretty sure this isn’t a Poison song either.
Jenn B.: I noticed.
Then Bret took a break to tell us how blessed he was and again, how much he loved Tampa. Did you know he loved Tampa? You do now. Oh and by the way, his book is available at…
Bret then decided to tell us about his new reality show on VH1. A bunch of cameras came out and Bret announced that he was going to record a song for them as the new opening to his new show. Oh and by the way, his book is available at…
What song did Bret play for us? “What I Got” by Sublime. A classic song; when it’s played by Sublime. Bret and company absolutely murdered it.
Jenn B.: Killing a Sublime song should be illegal! (Jenn and I are HUGE Sublime fans)
Eric Prae: I… Think… I… Am… Going… To… Faint…
After that, the cameras went away and Bret reminded us about his new reality show on VH1. Oh, and by the way, his book is available at…
Bret played some “new hits” next. Then took a break to tell us how blessed he is, how much more he now loves Tampa, you can see him in Orlando this winter, he has a new reality show on VH1, and Oh, by the way, his book is available at…
Then Bret talked about his recovery and how he found God. He also professed undying love for his daughters. Brett Michaels? This is the same front man for an 80’s band that dabbled in everything from drug abuse, to putting strippers through med-school, to who knows what? The same guy is now telling us that he has found God because he almost died? That’s like a serial killer telling the sentencing jury that he found God in the 4 weeks he spent in jail awaiting trial. I thought this was funny. Nobody else seemed to share in my sentiment.
Finally, after many more “new hits”, confessions of love for Tampa, plugs for his new reality show and book, Bret played “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”. It was awesome. I sang along at the top of my lungs. All of a sudden, waiting four hours for this very one song didn’t seem so stupid. After that song the crowd went crazy, Bret took a bow, grabbed the microphone and said: “by the way, my book is available at…”
For an encore Bret played “Nothin’ but a Good Time”, but we decided to leave. It seemed a good time to get out before Brett took more time out of my life to plug his new TV show.
What did I learn from all of this: You can’t get a better deal than tickets to a baseball game, concert, free food and drinks anywhere else but the Trop. Jenn hates children with cowbells. Every rose still has its thorn. Bret Michaels LOVES Tampa, he has a new reality show coming out, oh, and by the way, his book is available at…
Short Story by Eric Prae
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istruggle@RidetheStruggleBus.com
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istruggle@RidetheStruggleBus.com
Click Here to go back to the bio page/archives
Don't forget to comment at the end of the story!
(1) These are the mascots from the 'bottle race'
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