Booze, Bums & Baseball!

This is part 3 of a 4 part short story by Eric and Jenn about the Beef Studs and the University of South Florida soccer and football games!  Part 1 - 3 is in Eric's Archives.  Part 4 is in Jenn's Archives.  Check it out!

So there I was standing on the edge of Raymond James Stadium property, still fully painted, with nothing but time, alcohol, a crumpled up free baseball ticket, and a new friend.  My night was just beginning…

After the Random Old guy on the bike gave me a free ticket to the Tampa Yankees game, the first thing I did was try to re-connect with el Bing, Jenn, and the rest of my friends.  I reached in my pocket for my cell phone.  It wasn’t there.  It was in el Bing’s purse.  Hmmm, no cell phone, no car keys, no one to talk to but myself.

I saw a police officer standing on the corner and walked over to him.

Eric Prae:  Sir, could you call me a cab?  I need to get home.

This officer was standing at a traffic light obviously waiting for the USF game to conclude so he could direct traffic.  He was talking to another officer.

Officer:  (without even looking at me)  The cab stand is just up the road.  (He pointed back towards the stadium.

Eric Prae:  I know.  I just came from there.  Looks like the cabs don’t show up until the game is over.  Could you please call me one?

Officer:  No.  Go over to the cab stand area, I’m busy.

I was now 0 for 2 with Tampa’s finest for the night.  I really didn’t feel like explaining that I wasn’t technically allowed back on Raymond James Stadium Property or the cab stand for a while because I was escorted out of a football game for blowing a horn.  Too bad he was too busy shooting the shit with his friend to use his radio or cell phone to help a citizen in need.  I really could have used the cab.  Or, a friend.  Or, a police officer that actually cared.

Since I couldn’t take a cab back to el Bing’s car, I just started to walk in that general direction.  I figured it was about a mile or two away and she and Jenn would be waiting for me at the parking spot.  I started drinking, singing and hippy-skipping towards the parking lot.  Then out of nowhere I saw a yellow car coming towards me!  It was a cab!  My tired legs were saved.

I took the cab the mile or two back to the car.  Cost $5; and a lot of attitude that I only tipped the dude $2 on a $3 cab ride.  I ran over the grassy knoll at that separated the road from the front of the parking lot and saw the car.

Wait, that’s not our car!  The car is missing!  I turned back towards the stadium.   The lights were still on, the game was still going.  They must have left!  FUCK!

Life Lesson:  If you or any of your friends ever gets separated from you at some sort of event and there is no way to contact them, DON’T TAKE THE CAR AND LEAVE!  The car serves as a home base.  It is the only place that I could go to meet my people.  I figured that I would just get to the car and drink and talk to myself until the game was over!  They knew I didn’t have a cell phone on me.  The car was my only link to my friends, and now it is gone.  I am totally screwed.  Why would they take the car?  Why?

Because they are women.

Then it hit me.  I just paid a cabby to take me in a direction two more miles away from my house.  I pissed him off so he won’t come back.  I have no phone.  The car is gone.  My friends are long gone with it.

I now only have $35, ID and 1 ½ flasks of Crown Royal.  Wait!  What else is in my pocket?  A crumpled up baseball ticket!!!

I had forgotten about the Random Old Guy who generously gave me a baseball ticket.  The stadium is right around the corner!  I decided right there to go to the game and get hammered.  Why not?  I would just have to worry about how I was getting home later.  Then I felt a tap on my shoulder.

Haphazard Bum:  Hey man you got a dollar?

Eric Prae:  Depends, you got a car?

Haphazard Bum:  Naw man!  I ain’t got no car.  I just need some cash.

Eric Prae:  You need cash?  I am stranded here.  I just can’t afford to give anything away right now.  I’m sorry.

Haphazard Bum:  Come on man, just a couple bucks!

Did he just go from asking for one single dollar to a couple bucks?  Inflation is a bitch in this town!

I reached in my pocket and the Haphazard Bum’s eyes lit up like my puppy when you open the food pantry.  I pulled a Struggle Bus website card out and handed it to him.

Haphazard Bum:  What the fuck is this?

Eric Prae:  It’s a promotional card!  If you go to my website and email me, I will come back and give you a couple bucks.  That way you get your money and I get a few extra hits this month.

Haphazard Bum:  I don’t have a computer.  What am I going to do with a business card?

Eric Prae:  Roll a blunt with it!  I don’t know.

I started skipping away towards the baseball stadium.  I felt bad for not helping the bum out, but I figured it would cost me about $25 to get home by cab, so I only had $10 that I could use on dinner and drinks.  I had to be economical and prudent.

I got to the stadium, walked in the front gate and was amazed how beautiful the Tampa Yankees stadium is all light up on a great summer night!  I had been to that stadium before to take a tour of it when I first moved to Tampa, but I have never been to an actual game there.  I quickly got in the food line and bought a hotdog with the works and the largest diet coke they had.  Then I walked to the sink in the men’s room and emptied the remaining alcohol from both of my flasks into my XXXL diet cola.  I stirred it up and took a sip.  It was perfect.  I then looked up at the mirror over the sink and started laughing.

Looking back at me was a version of myself I wasn’t quite ready to see.  I was covered in paint that was starting to wear off in places that I leaned up against the walls in the police holding cell.  My arm had a bruise from where Undercover was grabbing me.  My hair was a ginger mess of sweat, green paint and hair gel.  I was going on about 4 hours of sleep from the night before.  I was beat from working all day.  I looked like something Rocky the Bull mascot of USF would throw up after a long night of drinking.

And why the hell am I still shirtless???

I put my shirt that was hanging from my shorts on, cleaned my face in the sink, grabbed my dog and drink, and headed to my seats.

I walked up to some old usher, who looked like had seen better days, for a little stadium assistance.

Eric Prae:  Hey man, can you tell me where my seat is?  I owe this old guy a beer for the free ticket he gave me and I want to know where to find him.

The usher just stared at me.

Old Usher:  Umm, if you would just read your ticket it says general admission.  You can sit anywhere you want.

I looked down on the ticket.  It had GENERAL ADMISSION printed across it in bold ink.  I looked like an idiot, again.

Eric Prae:  I guess they don’t really need such helpful ushers then do they?

What a jerk!  Seemed to be disgruntled usher night at the USF and the Tampa Yankees game.

I took a seat in the second row.  That random stranger who was nice enough to give me a free ticket wasn’t going to get his cold refreshing reward after all.

I sat down in an empty seat, took a bite of my dinner and looked around.  There were hundreds of children everywhere!  The Tampa Yankees weren’t a Double A baseball team!  They were a day care service!

Everywhere you looked was a few slumped over, dozing off adults, with every kid from their block running around screaming.  It looked like Chucky Cheese with a baseball game going on in the middle of it.  Then a naked child, wearing only a diaper, half shorts and some kiddy Crocs, ran down the aisle in front of me.  I gave him/her a high five.  The child stopped, pointed at my Silly Band, giggled and then ran off to high five someone else. 

I looked over to see this child talking to some other adults.  I immediately felt better because he/she had found their parents.  Nope.  They were pointing back at me hoping I was the parent.  The child came running back.  He/She high fived me again and sat in the seat next to me.  I just started eating my hotdog and drinking my Crown and diet. 

I was sitting there in full body paint next to a naked 1 to 2ish year old in a diaper, praying that the parents of this young person knew where they were and actually cared what they were doing.  I hate to judge parents because I have never been one, but I feel like I would have a little more knowledge of where my 1 to 2ish year old is at a baseball park. 

So I just sat there next to my new friend.  I figured that he/she was safe next to me; I could keep this child out of harm’s way for a bit.  They were probably just as stranded as I was.  Plus the kid was getting a kick out of my green and gold skin color.

I looked down at him/her.

Eric Prae:  Hello!  I’m Eric.  What’s your name?

No answer.  Just a blank stare and more poking at my green and gold skin.

Eric Prae:  Cool.  I’ll call you “kid.”

As the game went on, I finished my hotdog and got about half way down my Crown and diet when I made another friend.  Some random four year old walked up to me, sat on the other side of me and started talking.

4 Year Old Maria:  Hi!  I’m Maria!  I’m four! (No, I’m not using any child’s real name)

I looked around for her parents.  Didn’t see any.

Eric Prae:  Hi!  My name is Eric and I’m getting punked!

4 Year Old Maria:  What’s Punked?

Eric Prae:  Punked is a TV show where your friends have some elaborate set up that turns into a practical joke that gets played on you.  The TV show goes on until you get genuinely frustrated and then some really bad actor named Ashton jumps out and pretends everything is cool.  It’s a crappy show.

4 Year Old Maria:  (with a confused look) You’re on TV?

Eric Prae:  I have to be.  It’s really the only explanation of how I got dragged out of a football game by an undercover cop who just happened to be standing by my entrance, for blowing a horn that a security allowed me to bring in.  Then I got processed, and let go without being searched for my contraband, which I just happened to be hiding in my crotch.  Then I found that my date took the car we came in and took off for no apparent reason other than to just strand me in the middle of Dale Mabry highway with no cell phone.  Then a random stranger gave me a ticket to a baseball game that just happened to be next to where the car was missing from.  Then I sat down and started talking to random children who apparently have no guardians.  I’m telling ya, that first base coach is going to turn around any minute now, take of his helmet and be Ashton f-ing Kutcher.  My best friend Jenn is just a big enough d-bag to put me on TV.  I’ll bet you everything I own she is behind this!

4 Year Old Maria:  You’re funny!  I like your Silly Band!  It’s pink!  I have Silly Bands!

She started showing me each of her 2000 Silly Bands one by f-ing one.

Eric Prae:  (cutting her off and pointing to the random 2ish year old sitting to my right) This is my friend Kid.

4 Year Old Maria:  No, that’s Jamey.

Eric Prae:  You know this kid?

4 Year Old Maria:  Yes!  Hi Jamey!

The random 1 to 2ish year old perked up and smiled. 

Then Maria’s parent walked up to me.

Maria’s Parent:  Hi, are they bothering you?  Why are you wearing green paint?

Eric Prae:  I’m Aqua-Man.  They’re fine.  But this one needs some clothes, it’s getting cold.

It really wasn’t cold at all; I just didn’t understand why this kid was naked and sitting next to a stranger.

The game ended with the Tampa Yankees losing to Toronto’s Double A team by one run.  I finished my drink and stood up.  Then I instantly regretted that decision.  Turns out when you bring enough alcohol for three people and drink it all yourself, you get a bit hammered in the process.  My brain was clear, but my legs were cold, inebriated, tired, and didn’t want to work.

I gained my composure, said goodbye to my friends and left the stadium.  I started walking back towards the cab stands.  Again, no cabs.  The USF game must have just finished.  I decided I would walk towards home until I found a bar with a phone or a cab.  I could walk safely all the way down Dale Mabry to Spruce and then worst case hitch-hike to a bar.  Yet with my current state of inebriation, the walking was slow, steady and getting tiresome.  Time to once again to get resourceful.

I saw a stranded car on the side of the road.  It had a driver in it.  I walked up.

Eric’s Brain:  Please don’t shoot me.  Please don’t shoot me.  Please don’t shoot me.

Eric Prae:  (sticking my head in the back passenger side window)  Hi!  I’m Eric.  I’m stranded.  Can I have a ride?

A really nice older gentleman looked back at me.  We shared about 10 seconds of complete awkward silence.

The stranger started laughing at me.

Ryan:  Are you wearing body paint?

Eric Prae:  Tonight was tryouts for the circus.  I thought the body paint would help, but it turns out that my red hair and drinking problems made me too overqualified to be a traveling clown.

Ryan:  (laughing)  Sure, hop in the back.  My name is Ryan.  That’s Chief!

I hopped in the back passenger side door.  I looked next to me to see a huge dog.

Eric Prae:  Hi Chief!

The dog just gazed at me.

Eric Prae:  What are we doing on the side of the road?

Ryan:  Waiting for my son Mike to call so we can pick him up from the USF game.  I am meeting him on MLK blvd but I’m not perfectly sure where it is.

Luckily he had a drunken local comedian in the back seat.  I’m like a Garmin that slurs its words and makes your car smell like Crown Royal.  I showed him it was the road behind us.

After we picked up Mike, Ryan just drove me home.  I am assuming it was really far out of his way, but if it was, he didn’t show it.  I thought it amazing that after encountering some of the meanest people I have ever met in Tampa (Hobbit, Undercover, Giggles, Officer, Old Guy Usher) that I had the fortune to run into the stranger on the bicycle who gave me a free ticket and then two absolute saints who were willing to help a smashed idiot in need.

Ryan and Mike never asked for anything more than just friendly conversation.  They didn’t want gas money.  They didn’t even want a thank you.  They just wanted to do a good deed for a fellow human being.  I wish I had a way to repay them for their generosity, more than the 1000 times I thanked them as we pulled into my complex.

Just as I was getting out of their car, Jenn and el Bing pulled up to the gate.  They started honking the horn and screaming at me.  I ran over to them and hopped in their back seat.

If Jenn was a good person, with caring feelings, and a heart of gold- this is what she would have said…

Jenn B.:  Where have you been?  We’ve been worried about you for hours!!!  Are you ok?

But, since my best friend is a completely insensitive, selfish bitch- this is more along the lines of what she had to say…

Jenn B.:  You stupid asshole.  Where the hell were you?  You do realize that I went that whole game without a flask, don’t you!?  Get in the car, and shut up- we are going to get McNuggets.

I laid down on her backseat and just started laughing.  I didn’t know where to begin with explaining that night’s story.  That is how I struggle!



Check out USF Part 4:  Jenn's Version of Eric Get's Kicked Out of Raymond James Stadium in Jenn's Blog archives.  It is the USF Football category.

 
 


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