Hit 'em Hard Ice 07/27/2010
 
Hit 'em Hard Ice!

(all photos are ordered and numbered at the end)

In Tampa we have a Major League Baseball team called the Tampa Bay Rays.  You haven’t heard of them?  Don’t feel bad, most people here haven’t either.    Since they don’t wear football pads, have Tim Tebow, or actually play anywhere near Tampa, the good people of Tampa Bay have been ignoring their baseball team for a decade.

Maybe people here forgot about the Rays because for the first 10 years of their existence they were the team with the ugly green uniforms that the Yankees, Red Sox and Blue Jays were putting in a head lock.  Maybe people here forgot them because the New York Yankees and their 2,536 championship rings are headquartered here in Tampa.  Maybe people here just aren’t that interested in baseball.  Maybe people don’t care because we are a “small market team” with no pay role or star power. 

The truth is; the people in Tampa Bay don’t know what they are missing!

Don’t tell anyone, but the Rays games are the best deal in town.  Ironically, this is due to the fact that the people of Tampa don’t care.  You don’t like sitting in traffic before a professional sports game?  You don’t have to!  You can park basically anywhere you want for $5.  The lots are spacious and have plenty of room!  You hate the idiot fan in the seat next to you that spills his nachos on your new jersey and then screams obscenities at the opposing players?  Just move!  Plenty of open seats available at a Rays game.  You don’t like giving some a-hole billionaire sports team owner your hard earned money?  Rays tickets are $12 to $15 depending on the opponent!  Beer is decently priced!  You can bring in your own food!  You can bring in your own flask! (At least I do)  They have $1 hot dog nights!  They have liquor specials at Friday night games!  Best of all they have CONCERTS after the games!!!

For the love of God, please, please, please do not tell anyone around here about this great baseball team!  As soon as more than 100 people give a shit, MLB will force us to build a new stadium and I won’t be the only one at the games.  I love my dome stadium in the middle of nowhere!  Air conditioning!  No rain outs!  Cheap tickets and cheap beer.  Two years ago I bought a World Series home game press box level seat ticket for only $220!!!  You can see Major League Baseball and a concert here for only $15!  You know what $15 gets you at the new Yankee Stadium?  I straw for the soda you can’t afford and a kick to the testicles!  That’s it.  You can’t park at most professional sports games for $15!

No new stadium Tampa!  Just keep on ignoring my team and I’ll keep being the drunken guy in the Party Deck seats sitting alone in my own row.

Who was the concert headliner this Friday?  The American Icon:  Vanilla Ice!  Time to grab some friends, drink some beer, and watch my friend Ice rock a mic like a vandal, light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle!


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Most people laugh at my love for Vanilla Ice.  They also think he is a one hit wonder.  Untrue!  Ice’s first single was when he rapped over Wild Cherry’s “Play that Funky Music White Boy”.  Check out his dance moves in the video.  Ice rocked it.  So maybe Ice and his people forgot to credit Wild Cherry and got hit with a lawsuit.  Shit happens.

On the “B Side” of that record was the classic “Ice Ice Baby”.  Or as many people call it: the Greatest White Rap Song of All Time!  Vanilla Ice took a song about a drive by shooting in Miami, and turned it into an epic masterpiece that is a staple of every karaoke bar and 90’s radio station in America.  Oh, and he wrote that song at the age of 16.  This time, Ice and his people forgot to credit Queen and David Bowe and got hit with another lawsuit.  Oops.  Again, shit happens.

Ice then appeared in Teen Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 with a live performance of another hot single, “Ninja Rap”.  Ice could rap, Ice could dance, and now he was a movie star!  In 1994, Ice came out with my personal favorite Vanilla Ice song “Him ‘em Hard”!  He is still making a living off music to this day.  How many times does Ice have to blow up the mic to gain a little respect? 

 
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I rounded up three awesome buddies (Jenn, my neighbor Jackie “Gangster” Mac and my personalized flask) and headed to the Trop in St. Pete where my beloved Rays play.  We got to Tropicana Field and waited in line for our tickets.  I then had this exceptional little conversation with the most miserable human being in the history of ticket window salespeople.

Eric Prae:  Hi!  Could I please have three $15 tickets in the Party Deck?

Miserable Beeotch Behind the Glass:  We are sold out.  You can’t have three together unless you sit in…

I cut her off laughing.

Eric Prae:  Sold out!  Lady, I once sat in the Party Deck with so few people that I came up with an imaginary friend to talk to because I just needed some interaction!  I think you are reading the screen wrong, it doesn’t say “sold out”, it says “sell more!”

Miserable Beeotch Behind the Glass:  Sir!  I cannot give you three together in that section.

Eric Prae:  Ok, fine.  We’ll take three together wherever.  And, I bet we can’t pay for them separately can we?

Miserable Beeotch Behind the Glass:  No you can’t.

Eric Prae:  Aren’t you a gem!

We get into the game, grabbed three Bacardi drinks and make it to our seats.  Stadium was about a third full and people were still coming in.  Did Vanilla Ice just half pack Tropicana Field?  Looks like it.

The Bacardi drinks were great, mainly because they were comprised of approximately 65% liquor, served in its very own 3ft tall souvenir sippy-cup.  The second round of them was even better.  The game on the other hand was a snooze festival.  Sometimes in baseball your team doesn’t score many runs.  I looked around to see Jenn “sexting” and Jackie Mac “Plenty of Fishing” on their iPhones.  This was a good time to “go get food”, which is code word for “get up and find people to screw with”.  Jenn was sucking down her three foot Bacardi drink like the antidote was in it; I needed some beer to catch up.

While standing in line for another alcoholic beverage, we met up with our good friend Phil.  If you think randomly meeting a friend in a huge stadium is an amazing stroke of luck, just remember that there were like 36 people in the place.  Phil had much better seats than us, so we decided to sit with him.  This wasn’t a problem because he had a whole lower section to himself, and the usher that looked at our tickets was about one more pennant race away from the grave.  No chance of him even being able to read the section numbers, let alone attempt to kick us out.

As soon as we sat down, two random idiots started stumbling down our row looking to sit by us.  There was a female with them who stormed past to go sit down by the bullpen.  She didn’t look happy.  The two gentlemen decided to sit right in front of us and sloppily start a conversation. 

Jackie Mac:  Are they really going to sit here and try talking to us?

Eric Prae:  Oh, please let it be so!

Jackie Mac:  You want these two morons here?

Eric Prae:  You have met Jenn right?  They will be gone quick.

Time for Jenn to start verbally assaulting people.  Or as Vanilla Ice would say:  “Here comes the lyrical beat down!”

Guy number one turns around in his seat to start hitting on Jenn.  He is so drunk that he looks like he has a lazy eye.  He is COVERED head to toe in Ed Hardy clothing.  The crescendo of his awesome outfit was the huge Ed Hardy signature across the back of his jeans- comprised of WHITE fabric paint.  I take a sip of my beer and sit back in my seat.  This show is going to be much better than watching my baseball team strikeout.

Douche #1:  I feel like I am babysitting whenever she gets drunk!  (Nodding to the girl that stormed away)

Jenn B.:  Yea well someone should have babysat you when you were getting dressed tonight, I love the glitter- it’s really manly.

Douche #1:  Um yea. Ok (Looking around frantically for some backup).

Jenn B.:   And, it kinda looks like Christian Audigier signed “Ed Hardy” on the back of those pants with a cum shot. You paid $200 for some guy to sign your jeans with his kids?  Gross.

Douche #1:  Ummm, I ummm…

Jenn B.:  Those rhinestones make your eyes look pretty.  You would be a real hit in the prison yard.

Douche #1 quickly gets up to leave and recklessly runs down the stairs away from Jenn.  He has had enough.  What did Douche #2 do?  He just sat there, one row in front of us eyes forward in fear of Jenn making him cry.  Seriously, he didn’t say a word, he just turned to stone.  The awkwardness was outstanding.

Jackie Mac:  I see Jenn has a way with men.

Eric Prae:  If there was problem, Jenn will solve it.  Check out the hook as the DJ revolves it!

We sat there and giggled.  Some nights Jenn is just on-point with insults.  I was secretly praying more people would randomly sit by us.

The game ended.  The Rays lost, douche #1 lost, and as usual the beer vendors were the big winners.  Then Raymond the Ray (the Rays mascot) came out with two guys dressed as ninja turtles and did the dance from Vanilla Ice’s “Ninja Rap”.  I sprinted over to the isle by them, took pictures and then did the dance in front of a lot of strangers.  Jackie Mac seemed impressed I knew the moves.  Jenn looked as though she wanted to end my life.

We ran on the field with the rest of Vanilla Ice’s Tampa fan base and got a spot standing right by the stage.  I wanted to get closer so we sliced like a ninja, cut like a razor blade through the crowd.  You could feel the anticipation of lyrical domination that was about to happen.

The stage was strait out of the movie Halloween.  A skeleton here, a ghoul there, and a freaky clown thing in the middle of it all; this was going to be awesome.  Some dude in a Santa Claus outfit even made an appearance.  Then the Ice Man came out and the DJ kicked it all off with “Bounce”.  Yes, I knew the lyrics.  Yes, I got made fun of for this:  “I make the speakers go boom in your ear. Write a rhyme, put it together like Shakespeare.  Drop it in the streets, you bump it in your Jeeps.  We make it phat enough, Now everybody get your drinks up!  Get your drinks up!”

Ohhh, I got my drink up!

Now that the party is jumping with the bass kicked in and the vegas are pumpin', it was time for “Hit ‘em Hard!”  Again, I knew the lyrics, and again, I got made fun of for this:  “Move out the way punk, and take a seat clown, It's the Ice Man slicin', dicin'.  Hittin' like Tyson!”

Ice came at us strong, song after song.  Ya though he’d fade?  You’d be wrong!

He played some “Play that Funky Music White Boy” and then went right into “Ninja Rap”, all while pulling the Ninja Turtles that danced with the mascot and a ton of random women up on stage!  “YO! It’s the green machine, gonna rock the town without bein’ seen!  Have you ever seen a turtle Get Down?”

Just as the night couldn’t get any better, that stolen bass line that we all know so well started playing.  It was time for “Ice Ice Baby!”  I can only sum it up as five minutes of bliss and chaos.  Every so often, shit on the stage just exploded!  There was random smoke and sparks everywhere!  We moved up to rush the speakers that boom.  Ice was killing our brains like a poisonous mushroom!  He was deadly, when he played his dope melody, and anything less than the best was a felony! 

Ice was truly a lyrical poet.

After “Ice Ice Baby”, the next song started.  Jenn and Jackie Mac started pulling me towards the exit.  Seems they had enough of Ice, white person rap, and my pitiful dance moves.

Jenn B.:  You happy now that you got to see your hero?

Eric Prae:  Yo man let's get out of here.  Word to your mother!
 

Photos for the Story

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