My Application to be on ABC's "The Bachelor" 05/25/2010
My Application to be on ABC's "The Bachelor" It's hard to survive livin' in a concrete jungle, and these girls just keep passin' me by… -Skee-Lo This month starts another season of what has become an American tradition; ABC’s the Bachelorette. If you are wondering why a single, semi-intelligent man, who has a life, cares at all about the Bachelor series, there are two excellent reasons to watch the show: 1- The program is littered with TONS of unintentional comedy. 2- It is much, much, much easier to feel better about striking out with the opposite sex after watching other people do it on national television. I was discussing the last season of the Bachelor with my good friend and Struggle Bus reader Bridgett (while subconsciously trying to remain hetero-sexual in her eyes). She dropped this little nugget on me: Bridgett: You should apply! You would be the single greatest Bachelor of all time! Eric Prae: Seriously? You want me to apply to be the Bachelor? Why would I be a good Bachelor? Bridgett: Because you are funny! And humor is one thing that show desperately lacks. I dare you! Did I just get dared? Yes I did. So to quote one of my online heroes, Leroy Jenkins: “Thumbs Up! Let’s Do This!” *** I truly don’t understand why people want to be on this show. The risk-reward ratios just don’t add up. It’s really not sexy to sift through 25-30 singles for the purpose of choosing the best one. Do you really want to be the guy that puts his life on hold to have ABC televise him screening 25 dateless, hopeless, multi-cat owning females that he could probably have met in any good bar in any major city? Do you really want to get engaged in front of millions of eyeballs because people in middle America still believe in marriage? Why would anyone agree to marry someone they met just three weeks ago? None of that sounds like fun to me. To prove my point, former pilot and current leprechaun, Jake Pavelka, left his life of boredom and celibacy to become a contestant on the Bachelorette and then the main man on the Bachelor. He parlayed his fame into a Dancing with the Stars gig. He is now a “major” celebrity. This sounds like the American dream right? Not so fast friends. What was the price for all of this fame? First Jake got dumped in front of millions by a decent looking Canadian chick who got the “friend card” played on her by the previous Bachelor. Ouch. Then he came back to the show to snitch on another Bachelorette contestant (Jake was concerned that the guy had a girlfriend and couldn’t let the girl that just dumped him make a mistake). Double ouch. America now thinks Jake is a snitch. Then, Jake gets to be the Bachelor. The women he chose displayed so much drama that it truly didn’t look like he had any fun at all. Triple ouch. Jake next becomes a contestant on Dancing with the Stars and reminds us weekly that he is truly a white person with the rhythm of a deaf mute. Quadruple Ouch. What is the final prize for all of this? He marries his “dream girl”, an ex-Hooters waitress from the Orlando area. Jake did all that just to take home a freakin’ Hooters waitress? Jake spent all that time to accomplish what any guy in Tampa could do in one night with a $40 bar tab? Congratulations Jake, I hope that works out for you. Oh, and by the way, before you let ABC make you famous, you were a single, good looking, successful pilot, who got paid to fly around the country with sexy flight attendants and party all night in different cities before you sobered up and did it all over again the next day. You lived a single man’s dream! You had money! You had freedom! You had anonymity! You had a job where you could meet countless women in countless cities and never see them again! You gave up that sweet life to be a famous tattle- tale who can’t dance? Come on buddy. You think Jake is regretting that decision? Three words: oh you betcha! The ONLY reason I would ever want to become the Bachelor is because I would be given the opportunity to take America on a comedy rollercoaster ride. Maybe America is due for just one entertaining lead character for its favorite show. Maybe America is ready for just one guy who is quick enough on his feet to actually be humorous. Maybe America is eager for just one Bachelor who doesn’t take himself, his circumstance, or the show too seriously. Maybe, just maybe, I am the man for the job. How would I make the Bachelor interesting? First I would make these easy changes:
I know that I am not going to fall in love during the few short weeks this show is taped. But if ABC makes me the Bachelor, I promise I will take their show as seriously as I take everything else in my life (not very). I will have as much fun as humanly possible while giving the network great ratings. I promise to pick whichever contestant looks best in a bikini and then get down on one knee and tell her she is the one for me. I will love and cherish her for about 30 days until I parlay my new-found fame into a Tigeresque sex scandal. After that all bets are off. Will ABC make my friend Bridgett’s dreams come true and include me in their #1 show? Probably not. But, I’ll apply anyway. Maybe my 738 friends on Facebook can start a Betty White to SNL type movement, and I will have a chance. Here is my application. A welcome screen starts the application process: The search is on for eligible men and women who are ready to find true love! Do you or someone you know have the charm, style and personality to be our next star? If so, apply or nominate someone now! All applicants must be at least 21 years of age. They want charm, style and personality? Shit, I only have personality. But I am over 21! So far I am 2 for 4. ABC now wants me to make a video. They provide a link where they give an explicit, nine step instruction process. ABC has a whole link devoted to helping you make better home porn. First off ABC, if I am going to become famous because of an online video, it is going to involve my wiener. That is how the Kardashian’s did it, and it worked out great for them. Here is my application: Application Page 1: Name: Eric Praetorius Birth Date: 6/1/1982 Age: You can’t count? See previous question. Height: 6’2” Weight: 190 Do you have a valid passport: Absolutely but I might be on the “no fly list”. I’ll explain later. Occupation: averagely talented writer/good looking comedian/beach volleyball bum Salary: 1,245,145.46 Russian Rubles. I looked it up How did you hear about us: Religious vision! Or every third commercial during your telecast!!! Application Page 2: Highest level of Education: I did some BS and got a degree at St. John Fisher College in NY. Also, the University of Tampa hasn’t kicked me out of the MBA program yet. Are you a legal resident? If I’m not, my parents are lying a-holes. Where did you grow up? I haven’t yet, but I was born in Syracuse, NY. Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type? Why do I feel like I am being interrogated? Don’t be mad, mom, I look good in orange jump suits. Hey ABC, you know the best word in the English language? Expunged! No, I don’t have record, but I might have a prison tat. Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against you? Ya, but I think she was just kidding. Have you ever filed for bankruptcy or chapter 11? No, but I plan on playing that “get out of jail free” card sometime in 2012. Have you ever been a performer, participant or contestant on television, radio or in film? Just the video I sent you of my wiener. Application Page 3 Do you drink alcoholic beverages? Absolutely Have you ever been married? If Vegas doesn’t count, then, no. If yes, how many times? 0 to 0.5 Do you have any children? For the sake of humanity, I hope not. Are you genuinely looking to get married? Not till I knock her up. Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality: Silicone, silicone, silicone and who cares. How many serious relationships have you been in? What do you mean by serious? What kind of person keeps track of that? What happened to end those relationships? For some reason I just stop getting their calls. I think I need to ditch Sprint for a real service. Application Page 4 What are your hobbies? Beach volleyball, starting arguments with protesters, Facebook stalking, making friends at bars, watching NBA, Mario Kart Wii, writing for my website. What is the unique talent of which you are most proud? You got the video of my wiener, right? List the 3 adjectives that best describe you: deaf, OCD, good-listener... Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what and where are they? I have an arm sleeve with an ordered list of my favorite Spice Girls. Spoiler Alert! Scary isn’t at the top. What accomplishment are you most proud of? I have the emotional capacity of a pencil eraser. I have a very popular website that makes fun of Mouth Breathers. Why would you be a great husband? I plan on treating each of my wives with the upmost respect. Why are you America’s Most Eligible Bachelor? I am willing to publicly humiliate myself for the good of comedy. I will do anything for my readers. This application is proof. Add Comment |  Eric Prae
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