Eric Finds Man-Bedazzling!

(all photos are ordered and numbered at the bottom)

I was invited to a bar to watch an MMA fight on pay per view.  It was my buddy Paul’s birthday.  We found ourselves buying him shot after shot, in a trendy bar with an ironic name that is all the rage in South Beach, oops I mean the Jersey Shore, oops I really mean South Tampa.

Instead of my usual “Tampa Tuxedo” (baggy jeans, organic t-shirt and flip flops), tonight I got real snazzy.  I darkened up the jeans, donned a shirt with a collar, and wore a nice pair of shoes that made me about eight feet tall.  I didn’t want to show off my struggle to these wonderful “human cock fighting” fans.  On the way, I had a conversation with my BFF and fellow Struggle Bus writer, Jenn B., via text:

Jenn B:  Where you at playa?  I’m about to get off work.

Eric Prae:  I’m out watching the fight.

Jenn B:  Fight?  You hate physical violence!

Eric Prae:  I do hate physical violence, but my meathead friends promised me “violence for a cause”.  Two Neanderthals are planning to bludgeon each other in an eight sided ring and I’m expected to cheer like a drunken Jets fan…

Jenn B:  HAHAHA, seriously where are you?

Eric Prae:  Mouth-Breathers-R-US!!!


                                                                             ***


Arriving at the bar, an 18 year old in an old bus boy outfit demanded to valet my car.  This infuriates me.  I understand valet in Vegas when the escort you have in the passenger seat of your rented Corvette is being paid by the hour, and the Casino parking garage is far away.  I understand valet in NYC where there hasn’t been an open parking spot since the roads were originally paved.  But, why do I have to valet in Tampa just to watch some kid adjust my driver’s seat and stall out my stick shift?  I know I don’t drive a Maserati and my car is the size of a Victorian bathtub, but it’s my car!  I have the ability to walk after I park it!  The parking is literally 20 feet from the front door!  I have to pay for this?  Why is my car being treated like a hostage in an international conflict?

The bar was filled to the brim and we crammed a lot of dudes around one little table.  I was going to have Joe Buck make a special guest appearance for the play by play, but I fell asleep listening to him drone.  This is the same dude that murdered the greatest Super Bowl in recent memory by summing up the most spectacular catch in Super Bowl history with no emotion at all: “It was caught by Tyree”.  Thanks Joe.  My dog gets more excited when I give him an ice cube.  People get more excited scheduling colonoscopies.  Can’t we get a young, excitable person to call sports games?  Oh wait, I forgot sports had to be taken seriously and no fun is to be had.  My bad.

One of my friends grabbed my shoulder and pointed to the bar.  “Bro, didn’t you used to date that chick?”  Yup, I did.  Standing at the bar was my ex, which wouldn’t bother me at all, except she was holding hands with a guy sporting a three foot faux hawk hair cut.  By the way, SHE DUMPED ME!  To recap: I was dumped for a guy with a massive faux hawk who takes her bars to watch MMA fights (1-3).  My life is sweet.

Just as the fight started I made yet another startling revelation.  I was completely surrounded by men in bedazzled clothing!  Men really wear bedazzled clothing?  I felt completely out of place.  Just another night of struggle.

 

                                                                                                     ***

 

This past Halloween I wanted to dress as a douchbag. I planned to buy some bedazzled Affliction jeans, an Ed Hardy T-Shirt, and turn my “Tap Out” hat sideways.  The irony was, since I was going out in South Tampa, I would fit right in and no one would realize I was wearing a costume.

I don’t understand the new world of man-bedazzling.  Why do men have the need to slap on a fake tan, grab the tightest fitting choke-out-my-biceps shirt they have and do fist pumps and jagerbombs.  If you have ever watched one episode of MTV’s Jersey Shore, you can understand my mental anguish.  I sat at the bar watching a MMA fight with a few hundred cavemen, while thinking, “Maybe Darwin was wrong”. 

I find Ed Hardy and Affliction clothing completely ridiculous.  Don Ed Hardy is the name of a famous tattoo artist. His designs are sprawled across any type of clothing that French “fashion designer” Christian Audigier can market.  And, they market it well.  Add Christian Audigier to the ever growing list of reasons to hate France.   What is even more impressive than the fact that people actually wear this outlandish clothing, is the fact that they spend $100 per item. (4)

If you don’t know how to spot Affliction or Ed Hardy, just look for a steroidal maniac sporting something with rhinestones, flaming skulls, wings or crosses on it.  And, if you are one of the many guys out there who wears a shirt with wings on the back, mark your place in this story, and go jump off your roof.  Oh you can’t fly?  I thought you had wings?  It’s ok, there are 420 words left, so you will have good reading during your hospital stay. (5)

But this clothing is all the rage!  Eric, you really don’t own one trendy shirt?

Hell no!  I can’t tell you how many times I have thought, “if only a shirt was made with a Unicorn on it, who’s eyes are bleeding from being butt plowed by a skull that’s on fire!”  Seriously?  Seriously?  People buy this?  Ok, how about a shirt with a skull who has a nuclear bomb going off in its mouth riding the skeleton of a horse, who’s shitting blood?  That would be an amazing t-shirt to wear to a bar!  How about a tiger, molesting an eagle, in front of her kids, on a nest of flames while a skull with wings and a top hat is laughing in the background?  YES, YES, YES!  SOLD OUT BABY!

These t-shirts look like the incoherent paintings of a meth addict.  And yet people buy them and wear them in public! (6)

But Eric, these are the hot, popular brands in Hollywood!  Brittany Spears, Paris Hilton, David Beckham, and Ewan McGregor wear Ed Hardy and Affliction! (*)

Three words for you:  Kill, me, now.

After all of my ranting, there is a wonderful irony to man-bedazzling.  Dressing in this manner is getting a lot of people laid, just not the individuals you expect.

Turns out that wearing this kind of clothing has made it much easier for rational, beautiful women to spot and weed out the d-bags without having to suffer through a humdrum story about their fraternity days.   Women no longer have to worry about tool shopping at the nightclub, because all the tools have pre-labeled themselves with wings, crosses and rhinestones.  In the extensive hook-up history of man, a traditional polo shirt has never been so effective for getting into females’ pants.

Finally, a social victory for those of us with an IQ.

 

Back to the night at the bar.  The main event between two “MMA icons” was so slow and boring that I ended up A.D.H.D.ing my way around the bar looking for some action.  I convinced the nice people at a nearby table to share their chocolate cake.  It was fantastic. 

What did I learn from this night?  Not much.  Just that:

1- If your friends ask you to watch a fight, remind them that brutality and bloodshed is never the answer. 

2- Men will do anything to play with boobs, even turn to man-bedazzling. 

3- I really like chocolate cake.



Sources Cited (aka- shit I used)
(*)- ZiStyle.  http://www.zistyle.com/tag/news/.
 

Photos from the Story

Add Comment
 

Thank you for riding the Struggle Bus!!! Tell your friends!!! Spread the word of Struggle!!!