Eric Goes Horse Racing!

(all photos at the end)

While traveling this month, I had the opportunity to hit up the Horse Races in Saratoga Springs, NY.   If you haven’t been, the Saratoga Race Track is a sweet place where you can randomly place bets on little people who whip horses to make them run faster.  It’s quite a sight.

The first thing you realize when you get there is how enormous the place is.  It’s like a huge concert hall filled with rich white people dressed in “summer dress attire”, with a race track placed dead center.  The first spectacle to see as you walk in are the teenage children standing by the front gate trying to sell you a “cheat sheet” or “expert advice sheet” that will help you win all your bets.  I bought one for $1, with the hope it would return mass profits.  Then, I opened it up and started reading the “experts” picks and got a little worried.  Under each experts picture was their winning percentage for the day before:

Nick L:  1 for 10

Liam D:  3 for 10

Tom L:  1 for 10

Bill T:  3 for 10

Daniel F:  3 for 10

I just paid a dollar to take advice from “professional gamblers” who have the winning percentage of a Pat Burrell batting average.  Shitty.

Here was my goal for the day:  take a $20, gamble, and see how far I can go.  Is it really that hard to randomly select some animal with a cool name to win a race?  Do the odds really matter?  Was the “cheat sheet” that I wasted a dollar on going to help me win?  Time to find out.

I missed race #1 because I was hippy-skipping around, eating food and trying to find out where you can pet the horsies.  Here is a tip for any race fans who want to attend a day at the track in the future: don’t try to pet the horsies, people get mad.

I took out my trusty program and cheat sheet and sat down to pick some winners.  The second race of the day was on the outside track and 5 ½ furlongs long.  Wait, what?  What the fuck is a furlong?  Did the race track just make up a unit of measurement?  I think they did.  They couldn’t use miles?  How about kilometers?  Meters maybe?  This is absurd, so I got out my trusty Crackberry and looked it up.  A furlong = 201.1680 Meters.

So I decided to make up my own unit if measurement.  If some race track in Albany can do it, so can I.  Now the Horses were running 5.50 Furlongs or 1106.424 Meters or 7098.667 Eric’s.  Simple, right?

My New Mathematical Equation:  1 Furlong = 201.1680 Meters = (88/6)*88 Eric’s

I went up to the gambling booth, put $2 on Flying Gang to show, and $2 on Sweet William to show.  That’s right, $4 bets!  BIG spender over here.  Then I went to the rail to watch the race.

If you have never been to a horse race live, they are brutally boring.  The horses’ starting gate is what seems like miles away from you, and then you have to wait and wait and wait until they run past where you are standing.  You watch them fly by for .01 seconds and then realize your bets didn’t win.  It’s like NASCAR, but for snobby people.

But Eric, if the races are sooo boring, why do people go?  Easy, they go for the announcing!

It’s not a big deal that you can’t see the race because screaming through your eardrums is the sweet voice of some old man (who must have a much better vantage point), belting out every second of the race as if it means life or death!  I love the announcer!  I want to be him!  How does he scream a whole race without taking a breath?  How does he make something as boring as midgets hitting animals so cool sounding?  I hope they pay him a lot, he is worth every penny.


And their off…  Future Empire comes out to an early lead, Screaming Eagle on his right and gaining, with Cheeky Momma rounding out the top 3.  Power of Dreams leads the second pack, 2 lengths back with Victory Team, Flying Gang and Sweet William all neck and neck.  Wild Cat Stevie and Wing Glider in the rear.  Round the first turn, Future Empire is still holding it steady, but the middle group is gaining quick.  Cheeky Momma makes a move to the outside, Sweet William starts hugging the rail.  HERE THEY COME DOWN THE STRETCH!!!  FUTURE EMPIRE LOSING STEAM, POWER DREAMS MAKING A MOVE, CHEEKY MOMMA ALSO GAINING, WHAT A RACE WHAT A RACE WHAT A RACE, HERE COMES VISTORY TEAM BUT FUTURE EMPIRE IS HOLDING, SWEET WILLIAM MAKING A PUSH, IT IS CLOSE, I THINK I JUST CAME IN MY PANTS!  DOWN TO THE FINISH THEY GO!  SWEET WILLIAM SWEET WILLIAM SWEET WILLIAM!!! OH MY GOD SWEET WILLIAM, WHAT A RACE!!!

Yes, I want this man to stand in the corner of my room and announce my sexual escapades!

And their off…  Eric Prae throws the unsuspecting female on the bed, he looks like he’s going for it all, and they both seem to be drunk off of $1 beers.  Her phone starts to go off, probably one of her friends wondering where she went, but Eric Prae grabs it and quickly silences it and throws it out of the room.  Veteran move by the lefty ginger!  CLOTHES ARE COMING OFF, IS THAT A BRA ON THE FLOOR, YES IT IS, IT IS HOT AND HEAVY IN HERE THEY ARE GOING FOR IT ALL, ARE THOES BREASTS FAKE?  YES THEY ARE YES THEY ARE YES THEY ARE!  SHE IS HOLDING ON TO THE RAILS, IT IS CLOSE COMING DOWN TO THE LINE, IS HE IN?  YES!  ERIC PRAE ERIC PRAE ERIC PRAE, OH MY GOD ERIC PRAE, WHAT A NIGHT!!!

 

Back to the races.  Since Sweet William won, I had myself the first winning ticket of the day!  I took my ticket up to the winnings booth and proudly handed it to the man behind the counter.


Jerk Behind the Counter:  Wow, you bet $4 and won $2.60!  BIG winner over here!

I then realized that he was right, Sweet William won me $0.60 on that $2 bet and Flying Gang decided to suck, so that $2 was out the window.  This total d-bag just reminded me why I don’t gamble.  FYI- don’t ever try to diss a comedian.

Eric Prae:  Wow, you make change for big betters like me for an hourly wage at a place that smells like horse shit. Your mom must be proud!  BIG winner over here!

Jerk Behind the Counter scowled at me and then gave me my $2.60.  Now my $1.40 loss was making two people feel bad about themselves.  That’s what he got for trying to verbally take me on.


Then the most random part of the day happened: a dance troop came out by the race track all dressed up and did Thriller!  They completely rocked it; every move, every part.  A huge crowd gathered around and people were really impressed.  Why was a bunch of teenagers at a horse track doing Thriller?  I have no idea, but who cares, they were great.  For some reason, people randomly breaking out Thriller can make any event brighter. 


I lost more money on the third race and decided to go back outside to where the horses walk by to choose my next “winner”.  Horse #8 was a massive animal named “Voodoo Out Thinker”.  He looked awesome, and he was wearing pink.  This was the horse that was going to win me back my money!  The jockeys hop on their respective horses and my boy Voodoo and his jockey trotted right by me.

Eric Prae:  Hey little man!  Whoop that horse hard, I need to win a 20 spot back so I can eat tonight!

The jockey stared at me in horror.  He is a little person who rides a horse for a living (and probably makes a lot of money), he can’t take a joke?

Whatever happened to the Voodoo Out Thinker?  Well he came out of the gates blazing and was in the lead for the first 240 Eric’s, but then literally just dropped to a trot and came in dead last.  I’m not even sure he finished.  More money gone.  I then decided to stop investing in horses and start investing in alcoholic beverages.


I spent the rest of the day drinking with my sister, losing money on horses, and talking to a guy who had a must-see mullet hair cut.

How did my goals for the day work out?  My $20 was long gone.  Is it really that hard to randomly select some animal with a cool name to win a race?  Yes, virtually impossible.  Do the odds really matter?  Oh, you bet-cha!  The horse with the worst odds almost always came in last.  Long shots just lose you money.  Was the “cheat sheet” that I wasted a dollar on going to help me win?  Absolutely not.  Was it a good day overall?  Yes, because I got to spend time with family and drink, not because of the horses.
 

Photos for this Story

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