5 Questions for 6/28/10

Ohhh, 5 Questions coming to you from Sweet Tomatoes buffet.   If I eat one more f-ing bowl of soup I might to go into a food coma and black out. 

Question #1:  Team Struggle, who has the more successful dating life? (Matt in FL)

Eric Prae:  Are we talking about quality or quantity?  I have a feeling this is going to get bad…

Jenn B.:  Eric wouldn’t know quality if they had a USDA stamp of approval!  I keep my men like revolving doors, constant rotation.  Some are allowed to take the express elevator right to the executive suite.

Eric Prae:  Jenn has high standards for men like “breathing”, and “can get a hard on”.  Her making fun of my standards is laughable.  All of Jenn’s dates are window lickers who should wear helmets.  I, on the other hand, only date classy ladies that like $2 beers and don’t use the word “no”.

 

Question #2:  How did Ghana beat USA in the World Cup?  (Brent in St. Pete)

Jenn B.:  NO SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL IS THE WORLD CUP?  Can you drink out of this cup?

Eric Prae:  They scored more touchdowns?

 

Question #3:  How is Lindsey Lohan still alive? (Randi in Oregon)

Jenn B.:  Cocaine is her fountain of youth.

Eric Prae:  I truly believe that putting silicone in your body adds many years to your life.  I should be a doctor.

 

Question #4:  Team Struggle, I no longer am willing to work for a living, I want to sue my employer for sexual harassment and get a million dollar settlement.  I am self employed.  Help!  (Brooke in Tampa)

Team Struggle:  You need to think outside the box.  You should try to make a million dollars by selling an internet sex tape of you and "your employer".  Or spend some time on a boat with Tommy Lee.  Jenn won’t work for anyone who doesn’t allow sexual harassment at the work place.



Question #5:  For the fifth and final question we give you: The Struggle Moment of the Week!  Thanks to Sarah from NY for the original idea.

Jenn had a minor run-in this weekend with a guy she met online (shocker), who she was innocently talking to because he thought she was funny, and he liked our website.  She was not even looking at him as her next victim, and she even forgave him for his drunk, booty-requesting, early morning sext messages.  For once in her life, she kept this guys number to see what kind of havoc all of us could possibly reek on Tampa as friends and fellow comedians.  Let’s just say that this guy made a big mistake allowing his “girlfriend” (said girlfriend was undisclosed to our good friend Jenn for now very obvious reasons) to view his phone contacts and text messages.  Big mistake may be a vast understatement. 

We will give you actual text messages word-for-word, but also illustrate the actual verbal exchange with our best memory put forward.  The conversation began like this…

Scene: Eric and Jenn are sitting at Sweet Tomatoes (amazing salad bar where just about anyone can create a 4,000 calorie salad- diet coke, of course), when Jenn’s phone rings, showing up as the gentleman who is illustrated above.  We don’t like to use names, so we will just call him “Not Getting Laid Tonight,” or NGLT.

Jenn: Hey, what’s going on?

Irritating Nails-on-chalkboard-voice-with-extremely-bad-attitude: This is NGLT’s girlfriend, who is this?

Jenn: Oh, ok, hey! Well, I am Jenn, and your boyfriend knows me from my comedy website.

Irritating Nails-on-chalkboard-voice-with-extremely-bad-attitude:  Well, bitch, you need to stop texting my boyfriend.  He has a girlfriend, and I don’t know why you’re texting him.

Jenn:  Hmm.  Ok, that’s fine.  But, I hope you know you’re being an assuming a-hole.  K Byeeee.

Well, friends, this is where it all went south…for the girlfriend.  Here are the actual texts from the rest of the conversation.  Unfortunately, Jenn is competitive by nature, and doesn’t know when to back down.  Jenn is the person you want on your side when it is a war of words, you need to rely on quick wit, and your only goal is to send the other person home crying and rethinking every life decision they’ve ever made.  Its things like this that makes me so happy that she is my best friend. 

(We had to censor a few things because Jenn really gave her a tongue-lashing, and the other broad had a pretty bad potty mouth.  This is obviously a family oriented website.)

Jenn: (writing to NGLT, knowing his “girlfriend” has his phone)Haha you idiot. Keep your chicks in check buddy. I don't need phone calls like that. Hope you keep reading the site though! And don't worry. I am now deleting you from my phone. Enjoy your overbearing, privacy invading, trusting sweetheart of a girlfriend :) xoxo

Irate Girlfriend:  Good **** a ****  you nasty internet ***** good luck w your online dates text my boyfriend again ill really make you sorry bye

Jenn: I appreciate the words of encouragement!  No really, I do. My online dates are making me bank, so I'm set! What's funny is that your boytoy contacted me, and I was nice enough to let him know that I was on there with dishonest intentions... You, on the other hand, sweetheart, need to be the one polishing up on your [bedroom] skills so your boy there won't be scouring the Internet. Don't make threats. You look really stupid.

Jenn: It's a shame. I really think we could have been good friends... I could have let you know all the dirty little things your boyfriend likes me to do to his balls while HE is dressed up like a cheerleader

Irate Girlfriend: You wish you nasty internet **** get a real boyfriemwd

Jenn: On the contrary, I suggest you should get another boyfriend who doesn't scour the net looking for someone better in the sack. Maybe you should rethink the starfish position? Or maybe he is just looking for a girl with a vocabulary that expands past the words "you wish" and "f- that," because honestly, 5th graders have more going on upstairs. Sounds like you need relationship counseling.

Irate Girlfriend: Actually youre so pathetic i have nothing to say but your quote husband answers man up you claim to have so much to -say- stop texting. Put this in your blog you fat snaggle tooth i.m way prettier than ure inteRnet dreams (Yes, her spelling errors are real.  This made Jenn even angrier.)

Irate Girlfriend: Maybe ypur the one who should get off line and get a reality check date a real boy and back off my bfs [censored] his web page is fake get a life other tahn f****** with ppl

Jenn: He (Eric) actually never said he was my husband, if you would have shut your obnoxious ghetto ass mouth for one second, you would have heard “business partner.”  Maybe that's why your boyfriend doesn't like you, you don't listen to him enough. He obviously has needs that you're not taking care of. And take all the personal jabs you want at me, because I'm still the girl your boyfriend contacted. And you may assume you're prettier than me, but you sure are not as smart as I am. I hope you catch a brick to the face... Then what will you have to rely on? Certainly not your wit and charm. Good night, I have a real person job to go to tomorrow, keep serving up the chicken wings, I'm sure you look awesome in the orange shorts. Kisses.

Jenn: See and after that text saying I should stop f-ing with people.... You just admitted he was doing the same thing? Therefore, I cannot be blamed for what I'm doing and being a bad person... I'm relieved to know his 3am texts were fake, because they were pretty dirty. I'm done with you and this. Don't call me again.

Irate Girlfriend had no response.

I think we have all learned a valuable lesson from this.  DO NOT UPSET JENN.  From the looks of this conversation, it wasn’t Jenn who was struggling this week…but I am pretty sure NGLT is going to have a rough few days coming up.  Sorry buddy.
 
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