5 Questions 12/6/10


Another great Monday on the bus.  Happy December!  Let’s do this!

Question #1:  The Russians tried to launch a satellite into space and failed.  According to news reports: “No further information was immediately available”.  What the hell are the Russians trying to do in space???  (David in St. Pete)

Jenn B.:  I think the Russians are on to something here.  I am sure they have witnessed all that planet earth has to offer (i.e.- Lindsay Lohan, The Real Housewives, Kardashians putting mayonnaise on their vaginas, etc.), and they have decided to look elsewhere for intelligent life.  If they are ever looking for some specimens from this planet to start a super-human race or something out there in space, then obviously, I will submit myself for consideration.

Eric Prae:  Seriously Jenn?  The Russians are looking for more intelligent life?  And you are applying???

The Russians were just trying to steal DIRECTV.  And they failed.  Congratulations. 

 

Question #2:  Should I grow a mustache???  (James in Tampa)

Jenn B.:  If you ever want to get laid-by a woman-who wasn’t previously a man-who doesn’t chew tobacco-who doesn’t live in a single-wide with 6 illegitimate children, then no.  But other than that, yea sure… go for it.

Eric Prae:  Here’s the problem.  As soon as I saw this question, I screamed “YES, GO FOR IT!!!”  But I’m a guy, and I always think I look good.  So maybe you should listen to Jenn…

On second thought: You’re a man, you’re mad good looking, who needs self awareness?  Screw Jenn!  GO FOR IT!!!

 

Question #3:  What do you want for Christmas??? (Madison in Tampa)

Jenn B.:  World peace, and happiness for all.  But, if that can’t be obtained, I will settle for a bottle of Jameson, a burrito from Chipotle, and a piñata filled with Eric Praes.

Eric Prae:  All I want for Christmas is two gold front teeth, a throwback Darrell Griffith #35 Utah Jazz jersey, and A BAN ON ALL CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS ON TV!!!  (I'm lookin' at you Home Depot!)

 

Question #4:  I bought pot and now I don’t have any money to cover the electric bill.  What should I do?  (Joe in Tampa)

Eric Prae:  Sell the pot and pay the power bill, stupid.  It’s getting cold here…

Jenn B.:  I think I am supposed to say I don’t condone this type of extracurricular activity?  So, “I don’t condone this type of extracurricular activity.”  But, if I did- I would say “fuck it.”  Who needs hot water/lights/heat anyways?  You’re on your way to a lifetime of good decision making- “baby diapers, or marijuana?  Well, I can just wash and reuse the diapers right?”

 

Question #5:  For the fifth and final question we give you: The Struggle Moment of the Week!  Thanks to Sarah from NY for the original idea.

Jenn B.:  I went out this Friday night without Eric for once, and the only words of advice he had for me as the door closed behind me was, “Hey, make sure you do something stupid.”  From the looks of my stories, I usually don’t need any encouragement for this type of behavior, but Eric is a great father-figure for me down in Tampa, and he likes to make sure I take care of business if he can’t be there to help.

I arrived at a bar in Clearwater that is notorious for cheap beer (after 4.5 hours, my tab for 2 people was $25), and slutty townies.  It screams “home” to me.  One of my favorite people ever invited me to come out there, and he usually instigates my offensive behavior, so I knew this was going to be fun.  As soon as I walked in, he pulled me aside and focused my attention on some tall, skinny, beyond-intoxicated idiot at their pool table.  He said to me, “Hey, that guy is from NY where you lived- Rochester?  He is a real gem, you should go make friends.”

I shimmied my way up to this guy, admiring his tucked-in Affliction t-shirt, and his over-priced Rock and Republic jeans in all their glory.  As the florescent lights were gleaming off of his receding hairline, I initiated conversation with, “Hey, I used to live in Roc-cha-cha!”  His response to me (straight faced, and slightly angry) was, “I SAID, I am from RochestER.”  From this very moment, I knew we were going to be the best of friends.

The night went on, I drank more fuel, and RochestER became a bigger douche bag.  My friends and I were all standing outside (because you can do this in Tampa, in December, because it’s 68 degrees at night), when my new BFF strolled outside to join in the conversation.  This is how it went:

Jenn B.:  Oh, hey there pal.  I like your Affliction shirt!  You must have paid a fortune for those jeans.  I am jealous.

RochestER: (mumbles and slurs) Yeassh, I know I look good, and the ladies love it.  Look at this body I have in these $180 jeans. 

(My instigating friend is whispering under his breath, “do it, do it, do it… keep going.”)

Jenn B.:  Yea, I bet.  So you’re probably not a fan of fried food, or anything that tastes good, with a body like that are you?

RochestER:  Fugg Dat!  Everything that goes in this mouth is ORGANIC and NATURAL! 

Jenn B.: Oh yea?  Especially penis?  Do you put Organic wiener in your mouth?  With a body like that, I bet it’s all Organic wiener, all the time, for you.

RochestER: Yea, I said everything is Organic…

The conversation was over at this point.  My friends were in tears, RochestER was stumbling away and lighting a cigarette at the wrong end, and I felt satisfied.  I just had a straight man, wearing $300 worth of horribly unattractive men’s clothing, confirm to me and a large group of people, that he only allowed only Organic Penis in his mouth.  As usual, I win.
 
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